Monday, May 4, 2009

I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do because nothing I can do feels like the right thing to do and so there is nothing to do. Except nothing seems to be the polar opposite of the right thing to do and so every other wrong thing that doesn't feel like right must be close to right and maybe I just don't know what right is at all right now.

I need to go to Montgomery. I need to go because my grandmother is dying. Her heart is failing and she is 93 years old. The doctors are going to do surgery in the morning but for what reason? I need to go because if I don't, and she doesn't make it, I'll always be sorry there was no real reason that I stayed. I'll always be sorry that I didn't go when I could. I don't want to go because Anakin has a runny nose. I don't want to go because Dennis can't come. I don't want to go because there are a hundred things I'll be leaving undone here at home. Even going doesn't feel like the right thing to do. And yes things will be left undone, but life happens. And death is a part of life. And that part is happening right now.

I'm looking out the window and listening to the world move and for no reason I can pinpoint, I'm really pissed off about it. The birds are still chirping and the wind is still blowing the branches and cars still crowd the busy street that runs behind our fence. "HEY" I scream in my head. "SOMEBODY IS DYING!!" Don't they care? I remember, with the death of my godmother, the feeling that sank so deeply in my chest, that I was alone in this sorrow. That I was sadly, utterly alone. I watched people walk by me with their careless faces, laughing and carrying their conversations. And I was alone. And I am alone. And misery eats my insides. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm empty in places I didn't know could feel. And I am alone.

2 comments:

MamaNeena said...

it is completely okay to feel pissed off. and don't let anyone tell you any different!

Hugs!

stella g. said...

yuck. thanks for your honesty...