Wednesday, December 10, 2008

to whom it may concern:

I am hereby submitting my resignation letter. I have enjoyed my time working with this company and feel I have learned many skills that will allow me to move up substantially in future positions. However, I no longer have the energy to clean poopy underwear, mop urine from my carpet, cook 2 square meals 6 days a week, do the dishes, clean the said urine-soaked clothing, bathe, train, and raise a society-acceptable 2-year-old and still maintain my sanity. I am leaving to pursue other opportunities in the form of a weekend away with my girlfriends. I'll be back on Monday.


All joking aside, some days are harder than others. Today = extra hard. I was not expecting to have Dean all day today, and I, of course, don't mind at all that his mom asked me to keep him all day so she could do some things at school. But that doesn't make it any less exhausting. And to only increase the insanity, both the boys were in a foul mood today and I'm trying desperately to get the house cleaned up before we have company over this weekend. "Why are you cleaning when you have two moody toddlers, Rach?" I hear you ask with that note of sarcasm in your voice. I assure you, it would be worse if I was dealing with them nonstop. When they are moody, if I just let them play and fight and work it out, that's exaclty what they do: work it out. If I am hovering over them, it makes them come to me every time a pin is dropped and say "Mommy, Dean did this" "Mommy, Anakin hurt me!" It is better just to tell them I am busy and stay in the other room, in ear shot of something seriously going wrong. And also, the satisfaction of actually cleaning something is incredibly cathartic. It reminds me that I have purpose in this house. That Dennis is not working to help me stay home merely to play video games and make sure the boys don't kill each other.

On that note, I have made a lot of progress with Anakin's lessons. He has officially learned all his colors, all his shapes and about 10 letters. Go me! Go Anakin! Nonetheless, he will definitely be starting preschool in January (which will be when we officially have both cars paid off) at a local Church Preschool program that came highly reccomended. The mesely 3 hours a day I will regain twice a week won't be enough time to do much, but perhaps it will at least give me a little room to breathe again. I will officially no longer be Dean's care-giver as of tomorrow afternoon so that will certainly give me some more energy as well and I am actually kind of looking forward to this new chapter in my mommy-life. I've already decided to start taking a Pilates class once a week with a friend while our boys are at school and I'm really excited I may be able to get back my pre-mommy belly!

With all that out, it leaves me to look back and see all that I appreciate about this new part of my life. Karen asked me when I saw her recently in the midst of her great trek to El Paso, what was my favorite part of being a stay at home mom. I took a moment to deliberate; should I tell my generic answer, or should I tell my heart. After realizing Karen would recognize the lie, I told her, "I struggled a lot with post-pardum depression. Now, looking back, I realize how bad it really was but when I was going through it, my friends and family told me what I was feeling was normal and so I just went on like nothing was wrong. In turn, Anakin and I didn't really have a relationship. We didn't bond the way most moms do with their babies. I really struggled to love him because all I could think was You ruined my marriage/family/body/career. But now that I'm out of that, and I get to spend every day with this wonderful gift God gave me, I am reminded of how sovereign and awesome the Lord is, and how incredibly knowing He is. And now Anakin is one of my best friends. We play games, and tell stories and have conversations and just be together. That's the best part. The best part is watching this little baby become a boy and that boy become my second-best friend. And also, in turn, my marriage is so much better. That's the best part. My family finally being the family I knew I always wanted."

Okay, with maybe a few less/more words. But that was the idea. So. Somedays are harder than others. And today I am about ready to quit. But Anakin has been asleep for about an hour and I find myself already listening to hear his little feet get out of bed. Because that's the best part of my entire day. When he opens the door, with that expectant face, and then he sees me and his eyes light up. "There she is!" his heart screams "There's my best friend! There's my mommy!"


Jeff Corkran said...

Sounds like you have become a real-life, full-time mommy. I'm glad to hear it is suiting you well.

stella g. said...

actually, i think you did use that many words. :) thanks for your honesty. you're doing great!