Rachael the Volcano

Hello, Everyone. This is Rachael. Rachael the Volcano.

Per Wikipedia:
A volcano is an opening, or rupture, in a planet's surface* or crust, which allows hot magma**, ash and gases to escape from below the surface.***
*planet = me
**hot magma = me screaming and crying like that of a young, immature child
***below the surface = where I bottle all my emotions till one small thing can make my entire being rupture.

I had a break down yesterday. A full-on embarrassed-other-people-were-in-the-car break down. And by other people I mean poor Danielle and Anakin. Because I more or less took it out on my poor baby because he would not stop crying and not stop screaming and not stop arguing with me over nothing and at that moment I just couldn't take it anymore. I made Dennis pull over on the side of the road and let me out. I was totally okay with walking the 1.5 miles home if it meant a little peace and quiet for more than two minutes. But when Dennis got home with Anakin, he sent Danielle to come get me and after a moment of pride, I eventually got in her car. I mean, it was hot outside. And I was wearing a skirt. And flip flops. And I'm stupid and shouldn't have been walking anyway. So yeah, I got in the car.

How do you describe this feeling? It feels like drowning. I used to hear people say that and I would just think they were being overly dramatic. And that was a selfish, naive perspective. That's a perspective you have when the most difficult decision you make in a day is where to eat lunch. I had no idea what it meant in life to have so much expected of you by so many people and to think in one moment -- in one single moment -- I. can't. do. this. Your chest is tight and your head is spinning and you're gasping for air. You feel the walls around you closing in and each task that seems impossible is hanging like a yolk on the napes of your shoulders, tearing in on the skin and you hold your hands up desperately to break through the darkness that is eminently falling all around you. You are drowning. And in that moment, that moment when you know you can't possibly take one more thing, you hear this faint voice, somewhere outside the chaos ask "Hey sweetie, what's for dinner?" And any strength you had that was holding anything together dies. Your fear and struggle and little-bit-of-courage turns into fury and anger and horror. You slash at everything around you, making you sink only deeper into the water till the darkness takes over and you can't do anything but let it sink in. When you finally come to, everything is broken. Now instead of holding things together, you're picking up the pieces.

Maybe it's not that bad. But that's how it feels. I'd like to say when it's over I feel better. Like a shooken-up bottle of soda that finally gets the release it so desperately needs. Sure, now there's soda fizz all over the floor but I bet that darn bottle feels like it just got a huge load off it's shoulders. But the truth is, when it's all over, I just feel defeated. Like this stupid world got the best of me. That the pressure of being a mom and student and wife (and a good one of all of those things all at the same time) beat me out today. I feel like a failure. I feel like I just ran in a race I didn't even finish. I guess breaking down, to me, feels like giving up.

So today, a little bruised, and still with the sour taste of disgust in the back of my throat, I'm picking up the pieces and trying to start again.

For those of you that read regularly, this is what happens when I actually talk about how I'm feeling. Usually when I feel like writing crap like this, I don't write at all. But today I did. So it's out there now.

updates and all things associated

It's been almost a month so it's time I posted something. We're coming up on the end of the quarter at school and I'm holding weakly onto a 4.0. I'm not sure it's going to make it through finals but gash darnit I'm gonna give it my all. My Anatomy & Physiology grade is creeping lower and lower but I'm just going to keep plugging away and hope I can save it from B-dom.

I whole heartedly don't have anything else to post about at the moment. School has been an all consuming beast that has taken over every moment of my life whether it be free or otherwise. So, I'll hit you guys up again soon.

Adding Water to the Soup

Ok let me preface this by saying a few things that some of you may not know about me. When I was 19, I moved away from home... far far away. I was the only one of the four children to do this and I was very purposeful about it. I wanted out. So when I started this blog in the not so long ago past, I briefly considered choosing to make it private because I didn't really want anyone from my family to see it. In the end, I decided if I wanted anyone to read it (and I do with the exception of a few people), I needed to leave it out there on the open market. Within only a few weeks, my father stumbled upon it. I was upset at first, but the truth is, although he and I have our differences, out of the bunch of us, he probably is the one that "gets" me best. So I casually mentioned to him that I'd rather he not mention anything to my mom and now this blog thing is our little secret. It's not that I don't like my mother--in fact, she's become one of my best friends over the years. It's just that she has this view of who I am and what I'm about and I'm okay with all of that. I don't have this need to have people understand me. It really doesn't matter to me. But if they don't, they obviously might get hurt by something I say and I obviously don't want that.

So all that to say, my in-laws obvoiusly don't have any knowledge of this blog either. I mean, if I need to talk about people who don't "get" me, I could devote an entire blog to that alone and the people who produced seinfeld would probably purchase it for their next series that I'm sure would have enough topicless information in it to run a whole new 7 year hit. Yeah.

In January, Dennis's friend from college asked if he could live with us. We charged him a minimal amount rent, and were honestly appreciative of a little extra income our way. But so began the adding water to the soup as I like to call it. Except we never eat soup, so if there's a more suitable term, let me know. It was really no big deal. We usually have one plate of leftovers every night anyway and about 80% of the time, it gets stuck in the fridge to grow mold until I decide to do my monthly clean out anyway. That plate became Pete's... without the mold. It's been a better-than-expected situation, honestly. People ask me all the time "You have a roommate? How does that work?" Pete's very respectful of our space and time and he's great with Anakin so it was a smooth transition.

Well this week, Dennis's 19 year old sister moved down to Georgia. She's not staying with us as we are obviously fresh out of room anyway. All the same, when she talked about moving here, I told her it would be best if she found another place to stay. I felt, being her older sister (more or less) for the last ten years, that this would be a good growing up experience for her. She's the baby and extremely spoiled and she needs to learn what it's like to be on your own--to have to work for things you want, and sometimes, to work hard for those things and still not get them. These are invaluable lessons I wouldn't trade for any time in my life, hard or good, and she needs those. However, until she gets her feet on the ground, obviously she will be over here a lot. In fact, after she gets her feet on the ground, I suspect she will still be here a lot. And that's okay with me. I'm glad she is part of our lives and honestly, it's nice to have some family near by. We have some aunts and uncles on Dennis's side that never talk to us, but hopefully Danielle will help us bridge that gap too.

Anyway, so adding water to the soup continues. I made quesadillas for dinner tonight and poor Anakin didn't get any meat in his. All the same, I don't think he cared--he picks his out most of the time anyway. I just hope that this water doesn't kill us. It means I'm going to have to learn how to make a lot more recipes where the chicken breasts are cut up and not served outright. Because I don't really have the means to add two more pounds of meat to our grocery list per week. But I will figure it out. I always do. I'm super mom/wife/sister. *insert thumbs-up with cheesey smile

OMG she's posting three days in a row!!

Don't consider this routine, I just happen to get all my homework done this morning and now I am left with all this time and nothing to fill it. Well... "nothing" is probably inappropriate. I could be doing lots of other, more productive things like... laundry. Or mopping that kitchen floor I mentioned yesterday. But internet time is good reward for time well spent doing homework and I've certainly earned myself that as I studied for over 6 hours yesterday and got a 92 on the subsequent quiz. (applause isn't necessary, but thank you)

Today, Dennis took some time off and we went to see the new Harry Potter movie. I totally had tears in my eyes as it began and I initiated the applause when the credits rolled. It was beautiful. It was edited a little more than I liked but the story was still there and it was awesome. I think if you haven't read the books, you may have a hard time but you'll get through. However, if you haven't seen the other movies, you may be wasting your time. Don't get me wrong, the cinematography is reason enough to see it, but you don't stand a chance understanding what the heck is going on. It'd be like watching the last Matrix... you'd be like "Why does that other guy keep calling Neo Mr. Anderson?" "Who the heck is the Oracle?" "How come he can fly?" Yeah, just like that. I mean, you need to know who the characters are because there are a ton of things that happen with no explanation and it's kind of just like either you get it or you don't. I will see it a second time when Danielle is here next week so I am looking forward to maybe getting more out of it. We'll see. I'm debating trying to work the book in before then. I'm not sure it's going to happen.

I just want to let everyone know, that Anakin was so much better today, too. He did really well while I worked on my last anatomy assignment and we had no major meltdowns today which was especially significant considering he had no nap. On the way home from church, he asked Dennis to ride in the back with him and Daddy was so sweet! He rode in the back and played dinosaurs all the way home from church even with a stop at Target where the boys stayed in the car. It was so precious to watch my boys together. They love each other so much! Anakin literally pines for 6:00 every day, asking me often "where's daddy?" "When will he be home to play with me?" I also worked really hard to be super patient with him today and it made a huge difference. I held him a lot, let him sit on my lap and talked with him often even while I was doing my school work. I made sure he was respectful of my space so I could finish my work, but we still sang our ABCs, talked about the birds in the backyard, and even played bubbles out on the porch. Well he was out, while I was in. But still, it was more than we normally do. And I saw a significant change in his behavior. I know that this means I just need to continue to juggle all my responsibilities, but just because it's hard, doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'll continue to work at trying to give my school work as much attention as I can, but motherhood has to be my priority and I will continue to make that happen.

Okay, off to bed for me!

what are you impressed with?

I posted this on my mommies' forum so it's a little detached in the sense that you guys already know some of this but I wanted to get my words out and once they are out, they are out so I just copied it:

For those of you that don't know me as well (and that's a lot of you I'm sure), I just started going to school. Originally, I figured I'd go and take one or two classes at a time and get my MA certificate as time allowed, not really with any kind of end goal in mind. But when I went for my orientation last month, I found out I was actually going to have to take a significant amount of classes as the program does not allow "part time" students. So here I am, a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time student (not to mention a part time worker when the occasional job finds its way) and even though three weeks into classes I am having a little trouble balancing it all, I'm pretty impressed with myself. And I don't even mind saying so. I'm toughing it out on all fronts and though I've faltered a little (probably on all fronts there, too) I can honestly say I'm doing better than I expected myself to do. And that means a lot. I'm sure it means a lot to my husband. Eventually it will mean a lot to my son, when he's old enough to appreciate what I went through to give him a better life. But it means a lot to me. Because when we become moms, we have to give up so much of who we are. We give up our interests to elmo, lightning mcqueen, and dora. We give up our identity--I can honestly say at this point in my life, more people I know, know my son's name than know mine. We give up our hobbies as finger painting, play doh and potty training replace sewing, scrapbooking and reading. And we often don't even look back other than the occasional "before I had kids, I used to..." We replace our identities as women with our identities as moms. And we're more than happy to accept such a rewarding change.

Even though, in the end, I went back to school for my family--to earn a better life and to be able to give my son the education I'd like him to receive--I really went back for me. And it feels so good to know that I did something that I really wanted to do, that nobody else told me I should do or had to do or needed to do--but I wanted this for myself. And now I'm doing it, and I'm doing it well. And even though I miss my naps, and the laundry isn't all the way caught up, and the kitchen floor could have used a mopping a good 5 days ago, I'm balancing it all pretty well. I'm beyond proud of my current 4.0 and I can't even describe to you how impressed I am that I even went through with it. That I knew it would be tough, and I knew it would take the life out of me, and I knew it meant giving up a few precious moments of freedom in my day, and I did it anyway. Because I could. Because I wanted to.



So all that to say, what have you done lately for YOU, that you've impressed yourself?? What did you do that you thought you couldn't or thought you couldn't handle, and you stuck your neck out there, and you achieved it anyway? What have you done to feel like super mom/wife/you today?

School and all things associated.

Stella asked for a school update and to be honest, I'd been thinking I should post something but just hadn't really had the words to put out there yet. So ready or not...

From a GPA standpoint, school is going well. So far, I've gotten A's on all of my quizzes and I'm a little ahead of schedule on my typing class. However, although the classes are online and therefor, not proctored, I had hoped to do all my quizzes without relying on my notes and book. None such luck as evolved. I am studying, taking notes, making flashcards, and going over as much as I can before the tests. But I just don't have the time to study as much as I'd like. So I've had to rely on my notes a little more than I wanted but I think I'm doing a pretty good job considering. The considering part would refer to the 3 year old that sucks up every last minute of my time and unit of my energy. Whomever dubbed the ever popular phrase "terrible twos" apparently missed the third year of their child's life.

Anakin and I are getting by on a day-to-day basis but this last Friday was especially rough filled with yelling, kicking, screaming and tantrums. Anakin did some of all that, too. I spent the weekend with my thoughts and resolved that I would show more patience in the coming days (years) and remember that he is the three year old, and I am the grown up. And I understand why I am upset, and he does not. Even when the reason he is upset is that he is so tired, he can't keep his eyes open and yet still insists he's not taking a nap. Yeah. Good times.

And I've been working to try to retain the information in my books a little harder. I spent all of yesterday and today getting caught up on my Medical Terminology class and I did almost all of the tests without looking at my books, only using my notes when checking my answers. However, the chapter 4 quiz had a LOT of wrong answers, so I'll be reviewing that information again this week. Tomorrow I'll be hunkering down to work on the next three chapters of my anatomy class. The quizzes are due next week so it's pretty important that I get crackin. This class is by far the most difficult class I've ever taken and I gave a preface that I thought it would be. It's an insane amount of information per chapter, not to mention science isn't my strong suit anyway. But I'll get there. I'm determined to push myself further than what I think I can handle. And I'm intent on getting a 4.0 this time. And by "this time" I mean, I'm not going back to school to half-ass it. I'm going back to gain in my life a purpose and meaning in my career. I'm tired of just having a job. That means that I'm going back for bigger reasons than just because it's the thing to do after high school, you know? I'm goign back for me. And that's a big deal. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. And that I can finish. And that I can kick a little butt while I'm doing it.

So there's the update. Maybe I could try to make these a weekly thing instead of a monthly thing? At least then you'd know Anakin and I had made it through seven more days.

Monthly posting is thumbs up!!

Hey Look! It's been a month! Guess it's time to post again!!!

School starts in two weeks. Scared? Yes. Senseless. My mouth is dry and my throat grows numb just thinking about it. So so so scared. Scared of failing. There's something different about being a grown up and suddenly realizing that if I do fail at something, it's not just myself I'm letting down. On one hand, it fills me with a surge of adrenaline in realizing that failure is not an option. But on the other hand, knowing that I got a C in biology only because I sat next to Laura Buchanon in 10th grade reminds me that this is going to take a lot of work. And effort. And time. All things I am often running a little low on these days.

On a brighter update, I've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred and it's actually going really well. I've been doing it for three weeks and I'm losing a pound a week on it which is super awesome for me! I have been battling the last of my weight from Anakin for about 6 months (and by "battling" I mean looking at the scale and being mad about it and making a half-hearted attempt at actually trying to lose it.) with little luck. I hit a plateau in January and haven't made a lot of progress since then, whether my effort was half or whole-hearted. But with this, I got below that barrier that has really been hurting me and I'm pretty excited about that. For those of you that follow me on facebook, I've also been supplementing my daily workout with a bi-weekly run on Tuesdays and Thursdays while Anakin is at school. That's been awesome. It's so nice to get back to running and I'm so excited to have a running partner--not only because she keeps me accountable, but she also runs about the same pace I do so it's been great running together. Now, let me not even start about the fact that she is running with a stroller and I'm not... *sigh* At least I'm running.

So that's the current update. I'm hoping (like always) to update more often. Since I will have my own laptop soon, that may acutally happen. No promises.