a journey somewhat familiar

Addicted

2012-01-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

The thing about depression is that it's like a drug. It's something you feel like you can control in an uncontrollable world, when really it's just controlling you. Being someone who suffers from chronic depression is like being an alcoholic. You may not be drinking, but that doesn't make you less of an alcoholic. You may not be sad, but that doesn't make you less depressed. Every morning, you wake up and you choose happiness. Or you choose contentment. Some days the choice wins. And some days the depression wins. Some days it feels so much easier to let the darkness seep over you like a warm blanket in a cold world. I feel the shadows inching up my body, starting at my feet. They are heavy on my shoes and make every step feel like walking through sludge. Then as I stumble, as days pass, I feel them creep up to my knees. And before I can fight any harder, there they are at my waist. I am only a torso of put-togetherness, clawing through the mornings, pining for the afternoons when I can go home and lay on the couch and let them lap at my stomach like the cool easy waves of an incoming tide. The days are easy for a week or so. So easy I forget to look at the progress of the darkness. By the time I catch a glance in the mirror only my shoulders are exposed. My arms and hands are doing things I can't control, things I'm not even conscious of because the shadows are moving them with little strings of emotion like puppets and a mandolin. And one day I wake up and it's just easier to let the sadness cover over my eyes so I don't have to pretend to see past it anymore. The world is blanketed in a dark red. Not blood red. Not scarlet red. A red that has been stained by age. A grey, lifeless, ugly red that in no way represents the beautiful vibrant colors of my youth. This fall looks like defeat, but it feels far from it. If feels like... Relief. If only for a moment. Relief from the fight. Relief from the climb. I take a deep breath in the darkness and the air is stale. But it doesn't catch in my throat. It fills my lungs and sends a chill through my veins. The breath is deep, but it is empty. Like gasping at the top of a mountain. The thinness of it relieves only the edge of your souls thirst for sustenance. It's like taking it in is worse than taking nothing. I'm tired. Exhausted. I know I'm not where I should be but the thought of trying to get anywhere is so far in the furthest depths of my mind that the possibility of it seems ludicrous. How long must I wait in these shadows till a light will show itself to me again so I may seek it? How long must I breathe this empty air until enough of something has reached me that I can have the strength to get up again? ... Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow there will be a new chance to make what was wrong right again. But tomorrow or the next tomorrow, the cycle will begin again. I will slough off this skin and start over. A few days, maybe even a few weeks, sometimes a whole month will go by and I will be strong enough to withstand the accumulating weight on my ankles. But it's only a matter of time before a single fall will leave me waist deep again. And then I will find myself here, in the comfort of the shadows. Again. Comfort because at least when I am here, I am not fighting.

There's Just Not Enough of Me to Go Around.

2010-04-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

It's not about time. When it comes to time, I can use my mad crazy 1992-tetris skills and make all the activities I have to, fit into the mere 24 hours we are each granted in a single day. I can sometimes even manage to schedule 7 hours for sleep. Then, when I'm done, and realize I seriously just SCHEDULED bed time for myself, that's when I know it's just too much. Sometimes, in my head, I even categorize my morning activities into time slots. Get up at 7, take the dog out, bring the dog in, give the dog a treat, feed the dog, feed the kid, get the kid clothes, get in the shower, wash my hair, wash my face, get out of the shower, make the kid put on the clothes you got him 20 minutes ago because he is walking around your bedroom still in his pjs, dress self, dry hair, make up, teeth brushed, kid's teeth brushed, take dog out again, bring dog in again, make kid's lunch, make self lunch, get kid's book bag together, get own book bag together, get dog in the kennel, get kid in the car, get self in the car hopefully with keys in hand saving one of the many trips back into the house for forgotten items, get kid to school by 9, get self to school by 9:15...

On paper it's daunting. As a mom, it's routine. I look at this morning and I think "this is pie." This is what every other mom goes through every single day. Not to mention working moms. I mean, I am in school full time, 4 days a week. So I certainly am doing my fair share of being a working mom, but to throw a commute into this mix would only exacerbate an already ridiculous progression. And when you add in all the evening commitments into the equation, it just doesn't add up. Tuesday night tball practice, thursday night trivia, friday swim lessons, saturday afternoon games, church on sundays. And my husband is a contract worker on top of his full time job so he is constantly doing work at home when we should both be relaxing. Forget my homework. What homework? What study time?

I know that other people have it worse. I know some schedules are far crazier than this. But I'm not other people. And I just can't do it. Today at school, I broke down because some 18 year old girl told me I was being rude. In my defense, I most definitely was not. In her defense, she's an idiot. But the point is, I could care less what some little teen-ager thinks or says about me. It doesn't matter. It isn't what I was upset about. I was upset about feeling so tired and so exhausted and so defeated that one little tap on my foundation would make the whole darn world come crashing down. I'm being a little dramatic. I paid the girl no mind and made it to my car in time for no one to see me cry. I shed exactly 5 tears, let the rest roll off my back, and ate my lunch with my friends. But the overreaction just made me realize, I haven't got it all together anymore. And while I know that's okay, knowing it's okay doesn't make it any easier to deal with in this moment. My emotions and my energy are all so scheduled and so itemized that if even one thing goes wrong, the entire train will wreck. I leave room for maybe 3 seconds of movement, and after that the ties start to break.

I used to wonder why people did this to themselves. Now I realize, we often have no choice. When we signed the kid up for tball, we didn't know my school schedule would be so crazy. And to be honest, tball is a nice releif for him from the stress that is often thickening the air at home. He is also in swim lessons once a week, but this was purely a safety thing. Again, life to do over: don't do tball and swimming in the same season. But it's out there now and there is no getting around it. And I honestly didn't know school would be THIS hard this quarter. I breezed through the last almost-year of my life with straight A's. And I literally mean breezed. I studied pretty darn hard for A&P:101 but there's no passing that class (much less getting an A) without working your butt off. And here I am struggling to keep my B in skills while I listen to children in my class tell me I'm rude for answering a question.

It's not about time. It's about energy. It's about strength. It's about patience. And I just don't have enough to go around right now. So what do I do? Well, blog apparently. But really, I just pray about it. And I remember that this is just a chapter in my life. It will be over soon and all of this will come to an end, just like all times come to an end, both good and bad. There was a short chapter after the kid was born when we ate ramen noodles and PB sandwiches almost every meal. Because that's what we could afford. It was then that I was introduced to vienna-sausage sandwhiches and the filipino version of pork and beans (which consists of beans that happen to have some pork fat in the can heated over rice). And those times were really hard. When every dollar you spent on yourself was one less dollar you had for formula and diapers, you looked at money a little differently. But you know what? Those times passed. That chapter had a beginning and an end. As does this one. So I'm gonna take a really deep breath and make it through the next six months. It may not be easy... scratch that... it's gonna suck. But the reward in the end is almost immeasurable. And I will look back on it the same way I am looking back on the other tough times: not with remorse or sorrow, but just with gratitude. I'm grateful those times are over. And I'm grateful for all I learned. And I'm grateful for all that I've become as a result of all that I've been through.

My Old Kentucky Home

2010-03-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

I live in Atlanta. Actually, our house is in a suburb about 30 miles north of Atlanta. Just far enough away that we never have to go into the city if we don't want to, but close enough that it's there if we need it. I love where we live. When I met my husband some 10 or 11 years ago, the fact that he already had plans in motion to leave this forsaken town in Kentucky was reason enough to want to marry him.

This forsaken down in Kentucky is called Radcliff. Population just over 20k. What that means is, there is no going anywhere that you don't see someone you know and there is no doing anything that everyone doesn't know about. Yeah... my childhood was AWESOME.

So, I venture home about two to three times a year. Once around the holidays, once in the summer when my sister's kids are here for a month, and once somewhere inbetween when my sister and I can manage a trip at the same time. Since she lives in Iowa, Kentucky is a good midpoint for us to travel too and it makes sure that neither of us is stuck here alone. This year, my sister's children's spring break and my spring break coincided. My 4 year old had to miss a few days of his pre-pre-school (what is THAT anyway??) but I didn't feel like it would effect the overall outcome of his education.

Also, this year, my mother and I decided to get puppies. So I got to make the 6 hour trip with a dog in tow as well. This morning while I was out walking him, maybe 10am or so, I could hear the tanks running cannon drills. When we came inside, the blasts were so loud the glasses on the counterops were shaking and rattling in the kitchen. The military base is only about 4 miles away, so this is nothing strange around here. My dog was scared to death. It wasn't until he started freaking out that I even realized the sound. It's funny how we grow accustomed to things at "home." Sounds, tastes, smells... Think about it for a second, close your eyes, do you remember what it smelled like when you walked into your house as a child? Your mom cooking your favorite food? The smell of the the breeze as it rushed through the open windows? Maybe it's so different for me because my parents live so far from where I live now.

What will my son remember?

Confessions of a Mother

2010-02-21T16:16:00.001-08:00

I have a secret. It's eating at my very core.

Sometimes... I don't like being a mom. There. I said it. It's out on the table. The cat's outta the bag. It's off my chest... Anyone know anymore cliches I can throw in here?? Anyone?

I didn't want to have kids, really. When my husband and I got married, he the oldest of three, and I the youngest of four, children seemed like this distant land we only talked about someday going with little regard to actually making plans for our travel there. And yet, three years into our marriage, we were there, eagerly buying little blue onesies and a baby-sized pitching wedge. I never wanted children, even when I was little. My brothers and sister were horrible to me and the last thing I wanted was to inflict on some other poor little being the hell they gave me for some 15 or 16 years. Even when I was the last kid in the house, the basement (which was supposed to be my hideaway) became a revolving door for my siblings whom needed a place to stay because they didn't always have their feet quit flat on the ground.

I was there when my sister had her second child. I was 16 and super excited to experience the birth of life. But don't get me wrong, I wasn't stupid. I let my mom take stand at the bottom of the bed and I stood near her head, helping her count to 8 every time she felt a contraction, occasionally wiping her head with a cool towel. Yeah I knew what was going on downstairs and I didn't want anything to do with it. So after some 5 hours of (non-medicated) pain and sweat and pushing and crying, out popped this mishapen purple thing covered in some white goo that surely no human could produce. If I wasn't sure before, I was sure then. No babies for me.

But then I met my husband. He had two little sisters. His parents had worked two and three jobs each and so he had been left at home to take care of the house and help raise the girls and he'd done a pretty decent job, all things considered. Adults now, they both definitely have their issues, but let's just be happy they are both waiting to have kids, shall we? And so my husband couldn't have been more energetic about having children of his own. A little girl to sing songs to, a little boy to throw a ball with. He never pressured me, but his enthusiasm was contagious. I can't say I didn't jump three feet in the air when I finally saw two pink lines. When we found out it was a boy, I started crying tears of joy. I couldn't wait to dress him up in cute little collared shirts, baby gap jeans, and little chuck taylors.

DS was born and PPD hit me like a giant brick wall. No, more like a big Mack truck I couldn't see coming. I didn't know what it was. I'd never heard of it. No one had warned me. And I was really sick. My husband was wonderful. He took the reigns of parenthood like a pro, handling most of the feedings when DS refused to breast feed, getting up in the middle of the night so no one would feel the wrath of sleep-deprived me, and he even handled my outbursts in stride. It wasn't until I lost my job over a year ago that the intensity finally faded a little and I realized, all this time, I had been sick. Really, really uncontrollably sick I wanted to get better and I knew that meant taking some time off from work, but the thought of being a stay at home mom was daunting for me. It's not that I was career oriented--I mean you need a career first right?? I just wasn't sure being a full time mom was really the best fit for me. Now, let me side track here and say that we are ALL full time moms. Whether we work and our children are in day care, or if our parents are near by and help us out, or if we work from home, or if we stay at home, this is a full time job, baby. What I mean to say is, I'm not sure I could be in the same room with this kid for longer than a few hours at one time. All that to say, who would have known, it was wonderful. My son and I finally bonded. He became my friend, believe it or not. Sometimes I would get out of bed before it was time to wake him up and I would sit outside his room and just listen to him breathe. Or I would go in and lay on the floor next to his bed and just watch his little face while he dreamed.

These were beautiful days, and oh how I miss them. Sometime, on a dark quiet night, someone snuck into my house and replaced my perfect little companion with a whiney, rebellious, argumentative, self-righteous three-and-a-half year old. While I'd like to find the culprit, I feel my time is all swallowed up by trying to contain this beast I have been left with. Recently he has started with the Why?'s. He went through this phase breifly when at about two and I can hardly believe my own naitivity in thinking that was all there would be. I appreciate the circle we sometimes talk ourselves in. Just today, we stopped at McD's for some chicken nuggets and I left because the lady behind the speaker was being rude to the woman in front of me (who had also left) and since there is another McD's right down the road who might more appreciate my business, there was no reason to let this be my fate as well. So as we are driving away, DS asks me "Mommy, why are we leaving?" "Because, baby, the woman in the store was being rude." "Why was she being rude, mommy?" "Because she obviously didn't have parents to teach her otherwise." "Why didn't they teach her?" "Maybe because nobody taught them." "So why are we leaving?" And around again we go...

When it's been a long day of these conversations, I find my breaking point somewhere right around 7pm. Coincidentally only 30 minutes before I'm writing this post, and unfortunately, a good 90 minutes till bed time. I feel my chest grow tight and tears well up in the top of my cheeks and I take a deep breath. My husband, after 7 years of marriage, knows this routine of mine well. He often see-saws between scooping DS and taking him out of the room so I can cool off or getting right down on the floor to talk to DS about whatever it is he's done to make me upset. Because in my defense, I don't get this upset until I really can't take one more argument. What difference does it make why I told you to put on your underwear?? Maybe because I'm tired of you walking around the kitchen in your bare-bottom. I shouldn't have to explain that to you three times around the why-mommy-carousel, it's the kitchen and you're naked and put some pants on already! ! !

Sometimes I even find myself saying, in a calm, cool voice, "See, you're the child and I'm the mommy. And it's okay for you to ask me questions because you're 4 and I understand you're at that explorative age, but once you ask me and I tell you, then the conversation is over." *silence... * "Ok. Yes ma'am... but whhhyyyyyy?"

I'd like to have some hope that this will be over soon. I'm locked up in my bedroom right now, I'm supposed to be doing homework. My husband has DS in the other room, while he's doing his work, letting him watch a movie. I'd like to hope that by the time I come out of this room, maybe then the phase is over... no? How about after he turns 4? Not then either? 5? 10? 16?

Oh. Ok. This is one of those phases, eh? Oh, well. I guess I'm in it for the long haul then.

Independence, and everything that comes with it.

2009-12-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week I was laying on the couch watching TV in one of those rare moments I had time to catch up a little on my DVR. Anakin had asked me several times for some milk as he had just gotten up from his nap and milk is the next step in his daily routine. Apparently the show I was watching was getting good and I brushed him off till the next commercial break. Just as I was about to get out of my oh-so-comfy position to accommodate him, he emerged from the kitchen with a cup of milk.

"Where did you get that?" I asked him, my mind racing through where I might of left an old cup of milk and if he might actually try to drink it.

"From the pridgemator," he said matter-of-factly.

"You made it yourself?"

"Yes, Mommy. All by myself."

And as if I really didn't believe him, "Show me," I replied. He proceeded to demonstrate how he used his step stool that is normally in the bathroom to get onto the counter to climb up to the cabinet to get the cup, back down, over to the refridgerator (with the stool in hand), to climb up to the top shelf to get the milk and pour himself a cup of it on the floor. Just to encourage this display, he even took the hand towel hanging from the stove and "cleaned" up his imaginary mess as if he had spilled.

So since that day, when he asks me for milk, as long as the jug is not too full, I tell him he is welcome to get some himself and thank you for asking first. The independence is welcome.

However, with this independence came a clause. There is this same point in every mother's life, I imagine. I must say, I was unprepared. How is it this time came and no one warned me about it? Or maybe they did and the warning was so hidden I didn't recognize it for what it was. You know, like when you are pregnant for the first time and everyone says "life will be so different after you have a baby" and you really feel like telling them to shut up? Until you are three sleepless weeks in and suddenly realize what "different" really meant. Yeah, it's like that. It's that point when you realize you are the mother of a bona fide, home grown, honest-to-goodness KID. He's not a baby anymore. He's not a toddler. His clothes don't have cute little dinosaurs on them with over-sized pupils and little rounded teeth. The little puppies and fire trucks get replaced with transformers and Spiderman. You used to play hide and seek in one room. You count to ten and he lays down under the dining room chair as if you can't see him, and you pretend you can't for the novelty of it. If I tried to present this game to him now, he'd think I was crazy!

I look down at him on the kitchen floor, pretending to clean an imaginary puddle of spilled milk and my heart swells up with emotions I can't describe. Is this boy really the little thing I could hold in just two hands less than four years ago? Is this boy really that thing that kicked and moved and banged around inside me for months? And if it has only taken 4 years for him to be a little boy and not a baby, what will he be in 4 more years? He will be in 3rd grade, bringing home math homework. He'll be on the baseball team. He'll go fishing with his daddy on the weekends. Certainly by then he'll even have his own set of golf clubs. What then? Another 4 years and he'll almost be a teenager. Awkward and unkept. He'll have his own friends and his own interests and I'll have a whole new set of worries to keep me awake at night.

I take a deep breath and help him cap on the lid to his cup (independence doesn't always come with great motor skills) and I give him a hug and tell him "good job." And I stay kneeled there on my kitchen floor for just a moment. Just a moment long enough to remember. And I hold him in my arms and feel his little chest rise and fall against mine and cherish the warmth of his skin against my neck until he pulls away just a little.

"I love you, Mommy," he says with a smile.

"I love you, too... baby."

In the homestretch!

2009-11-20T20:46:00.001-08:00

Progress...

2009-11-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

is that what it's called? I wouldn't know. I hadn't seen it in a while... UNTIL TONIGHT! This is the quilt, pre-tree. What does that mean? you ask... It means, I will be appliqueing a tree right in the middle of this thing that will have branches that spread out onto the other squares and the center of the tree will have a picture of my parents. Then I will applique some leaves. Yeah... I took on way too much. But it's almost over. I only took one large shot because you can always click on it and see the close ups through picasso. I'd like you to notice that my brother paul's square (top right) is doing all kinds of damage to my otherwise pretty perfect quilt. I think it's ironically appropriate that his square has given me the most trouble. I tried to fix it. SEVERAL times. Then I gave up. Because in the end: no one will care. Anyway, Dennis is helping me tomorrow make my little tree into a big tree so I should have something to post on that front in the next few days.

squares 3 and 4

2009-11-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

This is a joint post because I wised up and figured out that if I did two squares at once, it decreased my work time tremendously. Both squares only took me about 3 hours or so, versus the one square taking me two. Of course, that one square also had to have about 5 seams ripped and I only had to rip one seam, one time on this last square. In fact, square three (the one with the light green) was so easy, I thought maybe God was working miracles on my sewing machine. And then square 4 happened and I think I might have had a crisis of faith 3/4ths of the way through. Anyway, these are the 4 generic squares. I'm going to head to a friend's house to print the pictures in the next day or two so the other squares should be done shortly.

Square #2

2009-10-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

I'm excited, this only took me 2 hours to do. It helped that I knew what I was doing and I set up a good routine of going upstairs to iron, then sewing everything that needed to be ironed, then going upstairs to iron then... well you get the idea. I can always set up the iron downstairs but here's the bottom line. If I burn the carpet upstairs, I'm the only one that knows about it.

Here is the second general square:

The measurements are still a little off but it's better. By the time I get to square #8 it should be just about perfect! right?! RIGHT?!

Here is a close up of the fabrics. I think they look awesome. This is also the other khaki color I am alternating with. The greens will be different for every square but I'm only alternating between the two khaki colors.

Since it only took me about two hours to do this one, I figure I can do one a day and be done by next week! Then I can get to the hard stuff! I'll keep you guys updated!

Sew on, baby, sew on!!

2009-10-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

I realize it's been a month since my last post again, but in my defense, I'm a bad blogger. Wait... that's not what I meant to say.

So, for the last few weeks, this has been me:

I'm trying to design a quilt for my mom for Christmas. I don't think my dad reads this anymore so I think this is safe space to post this. I got done with my first square yesterday. The measurements are a little off but this is my first patchwork quilt so if it is great, then the stars have aligned but if not, then it will still be okay. I made a few calls to my friend Karen about fabric choices and measuring tips and inthe end, this is my first square:
And here is a close up look at the fabric:

Like I said, the measurements ended up just a little off but it looks pretty good. I'll be switching out the tan pieces with another tan based fabric I chose and the greens will be switched out. The four corners of the quilt will have pictures of the children (there are 4 of us) with their families in the center portion of the square and the middle will have a picture of my parents together. I'll be finishing it off with a tree applique and leaves branching out between the families. It's gonna look awesome if I can just pull it off. I'm doing well considering school is pretty light this quarter and I don't think I'm going to have any issues finishing it, I'm just not sure how I want to display it. I'm thinking a frame but I can always loop it at the top and hang it instead. Not sure yet.

Week of Hell

2009-09-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

Monday - go to dentist for check up at 10am. Leave with 4 implanted antibiotics, a jar of prescription mouth rinse and a root canal.
Tuesday - entire city is under water. literally. below is a picture of six flags from satellite. the estimated total loss is 12 billion dollars.

Wednesday - lay around the house all day in immense pain, praying for the day to come and go quickly.
Thursday - get the call about Gramma passing around 7am. Realize after intense pain episode, that I shouldn't be in this much pain and decide to call doctor in the morning.
Friday - go back into dentist to have root canal redone.
Saturday - leave for Montgomery
Sunday - viewing
Monday - funeral
Tuesday - start school.

When this week is over: It's erased.

finals finals and more finals

2009-09-08T21:22:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to post lately. Even now, it's 12:30am and I sooo should be sleeping. I am tired, but I've been studying for hours and so my mind is still racing and I'm not sure sleep will find me. I've had great dreams of reporting the going-ons about us, the caterpillars eating our trees, our trip to destin, and I extensively pre-wrote (in my head) an awesome bit about my wonderful husband whom I never give enough credit that I had planned on posting on his birthday. But his birthday has come and gone and I'm still drowning. I took one of my two finals today. I needed an 84 to maintain my A in the class. I got an 83.33. I couldn't have been more dissapointed and frustrated. That gives me an 89.92 in the class and I hope to God 8 hundredths of a point doesn't keep me from my 4.0 gpa that I have been working so hard for. But you know what? I can't change it now. If the instructor rounds up, great. If not, I can't worry about it. An 89 is still a really good grade in a really difficult class that I took online while trying to be a full time mom with a full time house to keep up.

Anyway, I have one more test tomorrow morning. In that class, I have a 97, so to be honest I just have to pass the darn test and I will maintain my A. Right now, I'm not even sure I can do that. But after I take AJ to his first day of school tomorrow, I'm just going to buckle down and study for a few hours and then I will take the test before I go pick him up.

Keep your fingers crossed or lift up some prayers for me today if you think about it. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Belated Birthday Blog

2009-08-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have to say that I had the BEST birthday!! It was awesome! Dennis got up at the usual 7am with Anakin and took him downstairs so I could get that much appreciated one more hour of sleep. Then I took an inexcusably long shower. I did homework and got 100 on the subsequent quiz, ate lunch with one of my best buds and her kids (who are Anakin's best buds) and then Dennis came home at 3 so I could go get a pedicure. On the way I stopped by Target and bought myself two pairs of running shorts for $10 each (rock on!) and two long-sleeve t's each $2.50 each (double rock on!). Then I had the most amazing pedicure and shoulder massage EVA! It was pure pure pure bliss.

Wednesday night we had to go to a class so we didn't get to do a dinner celebration but instead I asked a few friends and our "family" here in town to meet at Johnny's Pizza for Thursday night trivia night with Kelly from Bustin Heads. Here's the thing--Kelly is hilarious. He makes it so fun. And even though I consider Trivia a make-you-feel-stupid game, we had a blast. The stars aligned AGAIN and the last question happened to be something we knew and no one else did. So we ended up winning the whole thing! This is awesome because there are regulars that do Kelly's trivia every week and so it's hard to even place at these things. We kind of just got lucky. But, to spend our winnings, we will be heading over to Johnny's again this Thursday. And who knows, maybe we'll take em again since my mom will be with us!!

My future postings will include: spider man reward chart for Anakin (I need a new approach) and the caterpillars eating my front yard... yes the whole yard.

Stay Tuned!

Rachael the Volcano

2009-08-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Hello, Everyone. This is Rachael. Rachael the Volcano.

Per Wikipedia:
A volcano is an opening, or rupture, in a planet's surface* or crust, which allows hot magma**, ash and gases to escape from below the surface.***
*planet = me
**hot magma = me screaming and crying like that of a young, immature child
***below the surface = where I bottle all my emotions till one small thing can make my entire being rupture.

I had a break down yesterday. A full-on embarrassed-other-people-were-in-the-car break down. And by other people I mean poor Danielle and Anakin. Because I more or less took it out on my poor baby because he would not stop crying and not stop screaming and not stop arguing with me over nothing and at that moment I just couldn't take it anymore. I made Dennis pull over on the side of the road and let me out. I was totally okay with walking the 1.5 miles home if it meant a little peace and quiet for more than two minutes. But when Dennis got home with Anakin, he sent Danielle to come get me and after a moment of pride, I eventually got in her car. I mean, it was hot outside. And I was wearing a skirt. And flip flops. And I'm stupid and shouldn't have been walking anyway. So yeah, I got in the car.

How do you describe this feeling? It feels like drowning. I used to hear people say that and I would just think they were being overly dramatic. And that was a selfish, naive perspective. That's a perspective you have when the most difficult decision you make in a day is where to eat lunch. I had no idea what it meant in life to have so much expected of you by so many people and to think in one moment -- in one single moment -- I. can't. do. this. Your chest is tight and your head is spinning and you're gasping for air. You feel the walls around you closing in and each task that seems impossible is hanging like a yolk on the napes of your shoulders, tearing in on the skin and you hold your hands up desperately to break through the darkness that is eminently falling all around you. You are drowning. And in that moment, that moment when you know you can't possibly take one more thing, you hear this faint voice, somewhere outside the chaos ask "Hey sweetie, what's for dinner?" And any strength you had that was holding anything together dies. Your fear and struggle and little-bit-of-courage turns into fury and anger and horror. You slash at everything around you, making you sink only deeper into the water till the darkness takes over and you can't do anything but let it sink in. When you finally come to, everything is broken. Now instead of holding things together, you're picking up the pieces.

Maybe it's not that bad. But that's how it feels. I'd like to say when it's over I feel better. Like a shooken-up bottle of soda that finally gets the release it so desperately needs. Sure, now there's soda fizz all over the floor but I bet that darn bottle feels like it just got a huge load off it's shoulders. But the truth is, when it's all over, I just feel defeated. Like this stupid world got the best of me. That the pressure of being a mom and student and wife (and a good one of all of those things all at the same time) beat me out today. I feel like a failure. I feel like I just ran in a race I didn't even finish. I guess breaking down, to me, feels like giving up.

So today, a little bruised, and still with the sour taste of disgust in the back of my throat, I'm picking up the pieces and trying to start again.

For those of you that read regularly, this is what happens when I actually talk about how I'm feeling. Usually when I feel like writing crap like this, I don't write at all. But today I did. So it's out there now.

updates and all things associated

2009-08-15T10:49:00.001-07:00

It's been almost a month so it's time I posted something. We're coming up on the end of the quarter at school and I'm holding weakly onto a 4.0. I'm not sure it's going to make it through finals but gash darnit I'm gonna give it my all. My Anatomy & Physiology grade is creeping lower and lower but I'm just going to keep plugging away and hope I can save it from B-dom.

I whole heartedly don't have anything else to post about at the moment. School has been an all consuming beast that has taken over every moment of my life whether it be free or otherwise. So, I'll hit you guys up again soon.

Adding Water to the Soup

2009-07-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

Ok let me preface this by saying a few things that some of you may not know about me. When I was 19, I moved away from home... far far away. I was the only one of the four children to do this and I was very purposeful about it. I wanted out. So when I started this blog in the not so long ago past, I briefly considered choosing to make it private because I didn't really want anyone from my family to see it. In the end, I decided if I wanted anyone to read it (and I do with the exception of a few people), I needed to leave it out there on the open market. Within only a few weeks, my father stumbled upon it. I was upset at first, but the truth is, although he and I have our differences, out of the bunch of us, he probably is the one that "gets" me best. So I casually mentioned to him that I'd rather he not mention anything to my mom and now this blog thing is our little secret. It's not that I don't like my mother--in fact, she's become one of my best friends over the years. It's just that she has this view of who I am and what I'm about and I'm okay with all of that. I don't have this need to have people understand me. It really doesn't matter to me. But if they don't, they obviously might get hurt by something I say and I obviously don't want that.

So all that to say, my in-laws obvoiusly don't have any knowledge of this blog either. I mean, if I need to talk about people who don't "get" me, I could devote an entire blog to that alone and the people who produced seinfeld would probably purchase it for their next series that I'm sure would have enough topicless information in it to run a whole new 7 year hit. Yeah.

In January, Dennis's friend from college asked if he could live with us. We charged him a minimal amount rent, and were honestly appreciative of a little extra income our way. But so began the adding water to the soup as I like to call it. Except we never eat soup, so if there's a more suitable term, let me know. It was really no big deal. We usually have one plate of leftovers every night anyway and about 80% of the time, it gets stuck in the fridge to grow mold until I decide to do my monthly clean out anyway. That plate became Pete's... without the mold. It's been a better-than-expected situation, honestly. People ask me all the time "You have a roommate? How does that work?" Pete's very respectful of our space and time and he's great with Anakin so it was a smooth transition.

Well this week, Dennis's 19 year old sister moved down to Georgia. She's not staying with us as we are obviously fresh out of room anyway. All the same, when she talked about moving here, I told her it would be best if she found another place to stay. I felt, being her older sister (more or less) for the last ten years, that this would be a good growing up experience for her. She's the baby and extremely spoiled and she needs to learn what it's like to be on your own--to have to work for things you want, and sometimes, to work hard for those things and still not get them. These are invaluable lessons I wouldn't trade for any time in my life, hard or good, and she needs those. However, until she gets her feet on the ground, obviously she will be over here a lot. In fact, after she gets her feet on the ground, I suspect she will still be here a lot. And that's okay with me. I'm glad she is part of our lives and honestly, it's nice to have some family near by. We have some aunts and uncles on Dennis's side that never talk to us, but hopefully Danielle will help us bridge that gap too.

Anyway, so adding water to the soup continues. I made quesadillas for dinner tonight and poor Anakin didn't get any meat in his. All the same, I don't think he cared--he picks his out most of the time anyway. I just hope that this water doesn't kill us. It means I'm going to have to learn how to make a lot more recipes where the chicken breasts are cut up and not served outright. Because I don't really have the means to add two more pounds of meat to our grocery list per week. But I will figure it out. I always do. I'm super mom/wife/sister. *insert thumbs-up with cheesey smile

OMG she's posting three days in a row!!

2009-07-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

Don't consider this routine, I just happen to get all my homework done this morning and now I am left with all this time and nothing to fill it. Well... "nothing" is probably inappropriate. I could be doing lots of other, more productive things like... laundry. Or mopping that kitchen floor I mentioned yesterday. But internet time is good reward for time well spent doing homework and I've certainly earned myself that as I studied for over 6 hours yesterday and got a 92 on the subsequent quiz. (applause isn't necessary, but thank you)

Today, Dennis took some time off and we went to see the new Harry Potter movie. I totally had tears in my eyes as it began and I initiated the applause when the credits rolled. It was beautiful. It was edited a little more than I liked but the story was still there and it was awesome. I think if you haven't read the books, you may have a hard time but you'll get through. However, if you haven't seen the other movies, you may be wasting your time. Don't get me wrong, the cinematography is reason enough to see it, but you don't stand a chance understanding what the heck is going on. It'd be like watching the last Matrix... you'd be like "Why does that other guy keep calling Neo Mr. Anderson?" "Who the heck is the Oracle?" "How come he can fly?" Yeah, just like that. I mean, you need to know who the characters are because there are a ton of things that happen with no explanation and it's kind of just like either you get it or you don't. I will see it a second time when Danielle is here next week so I am looking forward to maybe getting more out of it. We'll see. I'm debating trying to work the book in before then. I'm not sure it's going to happen.

I just want to let everyone know, that Anakin was so much better today, too. He did really well while I worked on my last anatomy assignment and we had no major meltdowns today which was especially significant considering he had no nap. On the way home from church, he asked Dennis to ride in the back with him and Daddy was so sweet! He rode in the back and played dinosaurs all the way home from church even with a stop at Target where the boys stayed in the car. It was so precious to watch my boys together. They love each other so much! Anakin literally pines for 6:00 every day, asking me often "where's daddy?" "When will he be home to play with me?" I also worked really hard to be super patient with him today and it made a huge difference. I held him a lot, let him sit on my lap and talked with him often even while I was doing my school work. I made sure he was respectful of my space so I could finish my work, but we still sang our ABCs, talked about the birds in the backyard, and even played bubbles out on the porch. Well he was out, while I was in. But still, it was more than we normally do. And I saw a significant change in his behavior. I know that this means I just need to continue to juggle all my responsibilities, but just because it's hard, doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'll continue to work at trying to give my school work as much attention as I can, but motherhood has to be my priority and I will continue to make that happen.

Okay, off to bed for me!

what are you impressed with?

2009-07-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

I posted this on my mommies' forum so it's a little detached in the sense that you guys already know some of this but I wanted to get my words out and once they are out, they are out so I just copied it:

For those of you that don't know me as well (and that's a lot of you I'm sure), I just started going to school. Originally, I figured I'd go and take one or two classes at a time and get my MA certificate as time allowed, not really with any kind of end goal in mind. But when I went for my orientation last month, I found out I was actually going to have to take a significant amount of classes as the program does not allow "part time" students. So here I am, a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time student (not to mention a part time worker when the occasional job finds its way) and even though three weeks into classes I am having a little trouble balancing it all, I'm pretty impressed with myself. And I don't even mind saying so. I'm toughing it out on all fronts and though I've faltered a little (probably on all fronts there, too) I can honestly say I'm doing better than I expected myself to do. And that means a lot. I'm sure it means a lot to my husband. Eventually it will mean a lot to my son, when he's old enough to appreciate what I went through to give him a better life. But it means a lot to me. Because when we become moms, we have to give up so much of who we are. We give up our interests to elmo, lightning mcqueen, and dora. We give up our identity--I can honestly say at this point in my life, more people I know, know my son's name than know mine. We give up our hobbies as finger painting, play doh and potty training replace sewing, scrapbooking and reading. And we often don't even look back other than the occasional "before I had kids, I used to..." We replace our identities as women with our identities as moms. And we're more than happy to accept such a rewarding change.

Even though, in the end, I went back to school for my family--to earn a better life and to be able to give my son the education I'd like him to receive--I really went back for me. And it feels so good to know that I did something that I really wanted to do, that nobody else told me I should do or had to do or needed to do--but I wanted this for myself. And now I'm doing it, and I'm doing it well. And even though I miss my naps, and the laundry isn't all the way caught up, and the kitchen floor could have used a mopping a good 5 days ago, I'm balancing it all pretty well. I'm beyond proud of my current 4.0 and I can't even describe to you how impressed I am that I even went through with it. That I knew it would be tough, and I knew it would take the life out of me, and I knew it meant giving up a few precious moments of freedom in my day, and I did it anyway. Because I could. Because I wanted to.

So all that to say, what have you done lately for YOU, that you've impressed yourself?? What did you do that you thought you couldn't or thought you couldn't handle, and you stuck your neck out there, and you achieved it anyway? What have you done to feel like super mom/wife/you today?

School and all things associated.

2009-07-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

Stella asked for a school update and to be honest, I'd been thinking I should post something but just hadn't really had the words to put out there yet. So ready or not...

From a GPA standpoint, school is going well. So far, I've gotten A's on all of my quizzes and I'm a little ahead of schedule on my typing class. However, although the classes are online and therefor, not proctored, I had hoped to do all my quizzes without relying on my notes and book. None such luck as evolved. I am studying, taking notes, making flashcards, and going over as much as I can before the tests. But I just don't have the time to study as much as I'd like. So I've had to rely on my notes a little more than I wanted but I think I'm doing a pretty good job considering. The considering part would refer to the 3 year old that sucks up every last minute of my time and unit of my energy. Whomever dubbed the ever popular phrase "terrible twos" apparently missed the third year of their child's life.

Anakin and I are getting by on a day-to-day basis but this last Friday was especially rough filled with yelling, kicking, screaming and tantrums. Anakin did some of all that, too. I spent the weekend with my thoughts and resolved that I would show more patience in the coming days (years) and remember that he is the three year old, and I am the grown up. And I understand why I am upset, and he does not. Even when the reason he is upset is that he is so tired, he can't keep his eyes open and yet still insists he's not taking a nap. Yeah. Good times.

And I've been working to try to retain the information in my books a little harder. I spent all of yesterday and today getting caught up on my Medical Terminology class and I did almost all of the tests without looking at my books, only using my notes when checking my answers. However, the chapter 4 quiz had a LOT of wrong answers, so I'll be reviewing that information again this week. Tomorrow I'll be hunkering down to work on the next three chapters of my anatomy class. The quizzes are due next week so it's pretty important that I get crackin. This class is by far the most difficult class I've ever taken and I gave a preface that I thought it would be. It's an insane amount of information per chapter, not to mention science isn't my strong suit anyway. But I'll get there. I'm determined to push myself further than what I think I can handle. And I'm intent on getting a 4.0 this time. And by "this time" I mean, I'm not going back to school to half-ass it. I'm going back to gain in my life a purpose and meaning in my career. I'm tired of just having a job. That means that I'm going back for bigger reasons than just because it's the thing to do after high school, you know? I'm goign back for me. And that's a big deal. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. And that I can finish. And that I can kick a little butt while I'm doing it.

So there's the update. Maybe I could try to make these a weekly thing instead of a monthly thing? At least then you'd know Anakin and I had made it through seven more days.

Monthly posting is thumbs up!!

2009-06-14T16:34:00.001-07:00

Hey Look! It's been a month! Guess it's time to post again!!!

School starts in two weeks. Scared? Yes. Senseless. My mouth is dry and my throat grows numb just thinking about it. So so so scared. Scared of failing. There's something different about being a grown up and suddenly realizing that if I do fail at something, it's not just myself I'm letting down. On one hand, it fills me with a surge of adrenaline in realizing that failure is not an option. But on the other hand, knowing that I got a C in biology only because I sat next to Laura Buchanon in 10th grade reminds me that this is going to take a lot of work. And effort. And time. All things I am often running a little low on these days.

On a brighter update, I've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred and it's actually going really well. I've been doing it for three weeks and I'm losing a pound a week on it which is super awesome for me! I have been battling the last of my weight from Anakin for about 6 months (and by "battling" I mean looking at the scale and being mad about it and making a half-hearted attempt at actually trying to lose it.) with little luck. I hit a plateau in January and haven't made a lot of progress since then, whether my effort was half or whole-hearted. But with this, I got below that barrier that has really been hurting me and I'm pretty excited about that. For those of you that follow me on facebook, I've also been supplementing my daily workout with a bi-weekly run on Tuesdays and Thursdays while Anakin is at school. That's been awesome. It's so nice to get back to running and I'm so excited to have a running partner--not only because she keeps me accountable, but she also runs about the same pace I do so it's been great running together. Now, let me not even start about the fact that she is running with a stroller and I'm not... *sigh* At least I'm running.

So that's the current update. I'm hoping (like always) to update more often. Since I will have my own laptop soon, that may acutally happen. No promises.

Gwinnett County Road Race

2009-05-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

So, Anakin and I had our first official race together... Ok. Not really together because let's face it: he's not ready to pump out 3 miles, but at a 5k I ran in, they also hosted a little quarter-mile "fun run" and for $10, he got to "race" (there were no winners), got a medal, and also got a tshirt that won't fit him for a few years. So, it was worth it all the same.

I beat my last time by a ton, clocking 27:03 and winning my age group. I got a nifty little trophy, a shirt, and a water bottle. Rock on.

2009-05-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do because nothing I can do feels like the right thing to do and so there is nothing to do. Except nothing seems to be the polar opposite of the right thing to do and so every other wrong thing that doesn't feel like right must be close to right and maybe I just don't know what right is at all right now.

I need to go to Montgomery. I need to go because my grandmother is dying. Her heart is failing and she is 93 years old. The doctors are going to do surgery in the morning but for what reason? I need to go because if I don't, and she doesn't make it, I'll always be sorry there was no real reason that I stayed. I'll always be sorry that I didn't go when I could. I don't want to go because Anakin has a runny nose. I don't want to go because Dennis can't come. I don't want to go because there are a hundred things I'll be leaving undone here at home. Even going doesn't feel like the right thing to do. And yes things will be left undone, but life happens. And death is a part of life. And that part is happening right now.

I'm looking out the window and listening to the world move and for no reason I can pinpoint, I'm really pissed off about it. The birds are still chirping and the wind is still blowing the branches and cars still crowd the busy street that runs behind our fence. "HEY" I scream in my head. "SOMEBODY IS DYING!!" Don't they care? I remember, with the death of my godmother, the feeling that sank so deeply in my chest, that I was alone in this sorrow. That I was sadly, utterly alone. I watched people walk by me with their careless faces, laughing and carrying their conversations. And I was alone. And I am alone. And misery eats my insides. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm empty in places I didn't know could feel. And I am alone.

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

2009-05-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

So I've been absent. If it's been painfully obvious for anyone, they haven't said anything so we can call it all a wash. ;) Lets do a little March/April catch up as they were busy busy months.

Dennis took us on a cruise that started March 28th and went 6 days with one day in Grand Cayman and one day in Cozumel, Mexico (pre swine flu). This trip, of course required a pre-trip up to Kentucky to drop off Anakin. It was a really good trip up there since my sister's kids also happened to be on spring break. Anakin got to spend an uninterrupted week with his cousin, Will which never happens since they live about 15 hours away. I got to spend a few days with my sister, too, which really only acheived to remind me how much I wish we lived closer to one another. When we went to get Anakin after the cruise, we also got the piano my mom bought me for Christmas. So now we are proud piano owners. None of us really know how to play but that is a minor detail we hope to fix shortly.

The cruise was great, but honestly, I'm not sure I'll be on a boat again anytime soon. I get sea sick and we had rough seas two nights. I did find these by the second day and felt much better. We took full advantage of being in foreign countries and did excursions at both ports. In Grand Cayman we did snorkeling at the barrier reef. There were two huge stingrays that joined us and even came up to the surface and let us pet them. It was so cool. We also saw lots of colorful fish and cool sea life. The water also felt AWESOME. It was so intensely hot when we got so close to the equator that the water was incredibly refreshing and might have been my favorite part of the whole experience.

In Cozumel we did an ATV adventure thing that took us through the "jungle" (There were plants... I wouldn't really call it a jungle) and then brought us to a beach. We made a few stops to check out a Mayan cave and a Mayan sink hole that apparently they used to sacrifice virgins to the Gods of Rain? ummmm.... ok. All the same we got really nasty dirty and it was so much fun! After that, we still had all day to waste on the island. We thought it smart to stay near port all the same and we shopped at the little vendors right around the ship and got lunch at a restaurant there as well. While I realize we may have risked our lives by eating there, the food was incredible. We bought Anakin a few souvenires and Dennis a lucha libre mask. We also got him a really expensive bottle of tequila for the bottle, not the acohol. It is beautiful. The bottom of the glass is hand blown and comes up into the bottle like a giant pineapple and it came with a cool case so it is now nicely displayed in his office... right next to that stupid mask.

April has been busy with preperations for school. I have been fervently working to get all my financial aide in place and just need a few more things to be officially "accepted" into my program of study. I will be taking just one class this summer (July-August) to get ready for the program in the fall and should be starting full-time classes in September. We're hoping with Anakin in school three halfdays a week this fall that I should be able to handle the workload since almost all of my classes will be online.

Well that catches you up for March/April. Maybe I'll get on again before June and you'll know about May while it's happening instead of after.

Part 3: Loving With Your Words

2009-03-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

Before I really begin the blog on this sermon, let me start by saying, this was by far the most impacting and convicting sermon in the series. Our Pastor opened it by saying that he also felt the most convicted by this particular 'chapter' of the series, and so perhaps his own spirit is what communicated to us the most. But in discussions after service and throughout the day today, individuals were spoken to in a mighty way this morning... me included. It was amazing. I want to share that initially because I have a lot of emotion in these notes, and I don't want them to take anyone by surprise. Again, if you are a regular here, you know I tend to voice my thoughts openly, but keep my feelings kind of to myself. It's mostly a defense mechanism, if nothing else. So, for warning--defense mode: down.

Verse of the Week:
Indeed, we all make mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. James 3:2-6

The same tongue that destroys each other, renews each other. We defile ourselves and make ourselves unclean by the things we say. We say things to hurt each other and we begin to feel regret. We regret the hurt we have caused each other, but we also regret that the unclean words we speak are proof of our defiance--of our inequities in the eyes of God. If we allow God to transform us, our speech -- our dialect -- will be the first thing to change. And so people will know we have been changed. That we have been transformed.

1. Love people with honest words.
How would our world be different if we were all honest in love? Would we encourage one another? Would we refine each other and accept those rebukes without defense? How often (in love) do we try to help each other, only to be shut down? In turn, how often do we deny these words for each other out of fear? If we spoke the word the way God intended us to, would we be able to contain the spirit? If we lived and spoke with God's love, how many would follow us because they want to have what we have??

HOW CONVICTING!

Are you living a life that someone wants to follow? Am I speaking words with love, so loving, that others are hungry for what I have? That others know me by my love?

2. Love people with careful words.
In anger, do not sin (Eph 4:26) In other words, if you can't speak in love, don't speak at all. What a sobering thought. How often do I speak in emotion? How often is that emotion anger??
The other thing that is important here is gossip. If you're confused about what gossip is (whether you know you are or not), here is a simple rule: If you're talking to me about it, and I can't fix it, then it's gossip.

3. Love poeple with building words.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Eph 4:29)
Are you building up your brothers and sisters? Are you saying things that only help them and never hurt them?

My first thought when this sermon was over was about people who have hurt me. I went out with a group of women yesterday and I was hurt several times by their words. My thoughts started writing a script in my head of how I could approach them to tell them that I had been hurt. In those thoughts, I was immediately convicted. It doesn't matter what other people say to me. That has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on how I control my own tongue. Am I speaking in love? If I was speaking and living in love, would those women still try to break me down? Maybe. But would it hurt me so much? Because more than anything, that hurt is convicting. Because I know, none of them meant to hurt me. Have I hurt someone today in jest? Have I spoken words that build? Or words that destroy? Even the smallest word in our mouth can make a huge impact in the life of others. Am I conscious of this fact while I speak? Is every word from my mouth spent in love or in anger? Words are like bullets from a gun, they can never be unshot. The past can never be changed. Our words can never be unspoken. Are you putting every single word out there knowing that it can never be undone? You must know, with that kind of forever on the line, caution and prayer must be considered first.

So, today, are you speaking in love? Is every word you speak the kind of word you would like to have spoken forever?

"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in them, and evil people bring evil things out of the evil stored up in them. But I tell you that people will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." Matt 12:33-37

Part 2: Loving Like Jesus Loves Me (2/21/09)

2009-02-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

Verse of the week:
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:35

In this section, we will touch on two points:
1. How much does God love me?
2. What does He want me to do with that love?

1. How much does God love me? In John 6:37 it says God loves us "always." If you go back and look at the Greek translation, the word this is derived from is the Greek word "always." Yeah, that's right, always always means always. This means in every time, every circumstance, every condition. All ways.

You may or may not have accepted God, but God accepts us as we are. We often think we need to come to the Lord meeting some kind of standard, but that assumption is not of the Lord. He doesn't love us because of who we are, but because of who He is.

2. What do we do with it? We accept each other as God accepts us. Romans 15:7

How sobering is that thought? We're not talking just about an emotional love here. We're talking about the act of love. An action of acceptance. To say "love others as God has loved you" is an almost impossible calling. I can't die on a cross to save you. I can't go to hell and demand from Satan the redemption of all your sins. But in love, God accepts us as what we are right now. Not for what He knows we can be, but what we are. Can we do that? for each other? Can we accept each other as the flawed, broken, shameful sinners we really are? Can we accept each other knowing we will be hurt? God accepts us knowing we will betray him, we will fail him, we will hurt him, but he accepts us despite that. Not even despite it, but because of it. God desires us. In that desire, He seeks us for who we are in our entirety, flaws included. He accepts us because he desires us. can we accept each other with that kind of forever?

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7

Part 1: Love Matters Most (2/15/09)

2009-02-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

Verse of the week:
"Which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied:"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment and the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

This is the scripture that spoke to me most personally: "We can not love God whom we have not seen if we do not love those who we do see." 1 JN 4:20

When people say "I'm not perfect, but overall, I'm a good person and God knows that." Do they know that they must love to be forgiven? Love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Pt 4:8 What is love to them? Are they showing love in a Godly way? We must love God and love others the way God first loved us. And if they do not know God, how can they love? For God is love. (1 JN 4:8) And if they do not know God, they can not love because they do not know love, therefor they can not love in a way that would cover their sins. So who cares if you are a "good" person?? What is "good" by the standards of a hateful world? If you do not know God, then you can not love. If you do not love, then you can not forgive.

God, I know, if nothing else, people who know me and know my whole heart, they know my heart is full of love. I long for my heart to be full of your love Lord, a love that knows no bounds, a love that is never ceasing, ever forgiving, and mighty to save. Some people say, if you are a Christian, your greatest witness is your life. But the truth is, my life is, and has always been, a giant mess. I hope my greatest witness is my love. I will make mistakes in my life, everyday, every moment. I will have regrets, I will strive for change. I will work to be a better woman, mother, sister, friend. And I will fail. Everyday, I will fail. But God with everything you have given me, I will give back love. I will give your love. I will work to love like you love me.

Eagerly pursue and seek to acquire love. Make it your aim, your greatest quest. 1 Cor 14:1

Introduction

2009-02-23T18:45:00.001-08:00

We're doing an awesome series at church called 40 Days of Love and it's about how God loves us and also how we are to love others. It includes the sermons, bible studies and "homework" as in things our church intends us to do to help the practice. It's really been impacting me in amazing ways so I would like to blog my notes here. It's already been going for two weeks so I will go back and back blog but I will try to get it up every Sunday from now on.

excuse me sir, but you're blocking my driveway.

2009-02-07T13:39:00.001-08:00

So I came home from the park today to find this in my front yard:

It seems our idiot neighbors thought it would be a good idea to burn something in their yard, it caught fire, and burned the entire fence down, among some other things in their yard. The property line where the fence was destroyed is not actually ours, which is good, but it's still pretty lame that now the privacy fence is offering no privacy at all so I suspect we will help Timmy, our other neighbor, rebuild it as soon as all the waterlog subsides. This is what the back of Timmy's house looked like:
um yeah, thats not a gate. That's where said firemen took out about 10 feet of fence so they could better access the fire.

This is just to the left of the previous picture. The fire went about 200 feet or so across these people's property line.

Smore's anyone?

I seem to have lost my sanity,

2009-02-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

if you find it, could you please be so kind as to return it to me?

Why yes, I did quit working in June to be home with my son. Yeah, I do remember why. It's funny you should ask. It seems that one woman, with only the two hands God bestowed her, can only do so much in these 24 short hours offered each day. Laundry, dinner, cleaning, mopping, and a 40 hour job, they don't seem to all fit into the same bucket. And somehow I need to find room for raising kids, sleep, and a little social life. Yeah.... riiiiiight.

So... anyway. Karen said something about one of my posts sounding happy which made me paranoid about the others sounding depressed, so let me look on the bright side of life here. The job has been awesome. I make my own hours, I work from home, and honestly it could not be any easier. I'm whole heartedly really good at it and that's nice for a change. Especially since I lost my most recent position in a giant mess of flaming suckness. So, thats great. Also the pay was unexpected so it's going straight to the cruise fund. This is great because it means we will actually have the money to spend on going on excursions and stuff which will be awesome.

On another note, Dennis's contract jobs have still been really steady so we are still totally on track to pay off the last of the second car. This has been such a God thing and I'm in utter amazement and praise that He has continued to provide. It's amazing to watch Him work and know that, despite the economy, no matter what happens, we will be provided for.

Also, Anakin is in school now and that's been great. He's having a little trouble adjusting, but we're getting there. For whatever reason, he seems to have an issue with goign potty there but the teachers are optimistic and they think he sill get over it. And they have been great about working with him, so that's good.

My spiderman quilt is coming along nicely. I've got the final design down on paper and should be getting started on the squares in the next couple of days. I've only got a few more days of work so I should be able to get it going soon and I hope to have it done before the end of the month. We'll see. This is only my second quilt and I have never dont squares like this before so I've got to figure out what I'm doing first. On paper it looks awesome so I really hope it works out like I want it to.

Okay well that's all for now. I'll try to do some more blogging with pictures when work is done.

what about it?

2009-01-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything to blog about but considering I haven't really posted since I got back from Seattle and that was two weeks ago, I felt like I needed to post SOMETHING.

So let's talk about work. I really like what I am doing, but am reminded why I am not really able to work a full time job and do at home what I want to do. It's true, no wonder my house used to look like a mess!! Yeah it's looking pretty rough now too. Dennis is doing great, and helping out a lot, but he has his regular job and contract work to do on top of that. So it makes it difficult for both of us, trying to balance everything out. I make my own schedule so I have been able to work when Anakin is napping, at school, or in bed at night. This week, I cut back a little so I will have two days that I am not working while he is napping. I just need a little bit of breathing room if my family plans on having clean clothes to wear.

We are also getting the house reroofed which has been super awesome at nap time. *cue cheesey grin* They started on Monday and should be complete today, then they are going to work on the sheetrock that got damaged tomorrow. Then, $5k and four days later, crisis averted. HA!

So, I am off to work now. Hope everyone is having a good week, I will hopefully post some more soon!

The words I'd never say

2009-01-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

I imagine the scene in slow motion like a shot from A Christmas Story. It starts with the offense, Me telling Anakin not to touch something. He says "why?" and the the camera cuts to my face. "Because..." I begin. Close up of my mouth, the words slow and the tone deapens "I saaaaaiiiid sooooooo" with little bits of spit hitting the lens. The shot moves out again and despair is my replaced expression. Oh no. I said it. It's out there. The words are in the air, hanging like mournful reminders that I'm slowly becoming my mother.

At what point do we become those parents? I know what point it is. The point that our two year old thinks the word "why" is an accessory. He throws it out carelessly at every available opportunity and with all the excuses I can find, this is the only one that offers no rebuttle. Because I said so. It is momy law. I said so and that is all there is. It's like when God said let there be light. He said it and so it was. Why? Because he said so.

So perhaps when the camera pulls back out, my narrator, just like in the movie came on and said "oh no. I said it. I said THOSE words. I felt the shame burning in my chest. What do I do? I must recover." My eyes dart around and I search for an answer. "Because I said so, and what I say goes." "There." my narrator starts again. "That fixes it. Not only did I say so, but what I say goes. That's right. Mommy law. I win." My chest puffs out and I continue with what I was doing. The camera pans back to Anakin and he is defeated in his why quest. There.

Seattle: day 1

2009-01-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

I don't have any pictures because our digital camera is huge and it seemed like too much work to get it on the plane as I was trying to fit everything into ONE carry-on since Delta now requires $15 to check ANY luggage. Also, this is funny to me because when you get on the plane they go on and on and on about how cabin space is limited and so you may not be able to bring your carryon. *picture my face right now. yeah.*

The 5.5 hour flight was not as bad as I think it could have been. Though we spent almost an hour on the runway waiting for our turn to take off. At least that time was filled with anticipation in Anakin's eyes so it went by quickly. My DVD player died about 10 seconds into the flight, not because I didn't charge it but because I think the battery just wasn't taking the charge like it should. Luckily, the seats all had those TVs on the back of the head rest and had free cable with limited channels. You could choose from HGTV, Bravo, Nickelodeon, HBO, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN classic, NBC, CNBC and CNN. Naturally ours stayed on Nickelodeon. Unfortunately, TV shows don't hold Anakin's attention very long. Then, it ended up that we had the very last seat in the plane right next to the lavatories. At first, I was really upset about this, but then it ended up that all the flight attendants LOVED Anakin and so they ended up mooning over him the whole time. So he honestly spent most of the flight hanging out in their stations, getting free chips and walking up and down the isles with them. It ended up being a pretty uneventful flight, and I think that's awesome considering he was riding in my lap the whole time.

Lisa met me at the baggage claim about noon Seatlle time but we had to wait about an hour for m car seat to get back to there. Then we headed to the mall for some lunch with some of her other friends who just also happened to be visiting at the same time as me. After lunch, we dropped them off at their ferry and then headed to catch ours. We swung by the grocery store and picked up the goods to make homemade eggrolls and headed back to the house. Anakin was really really excited about the ferry. I think he was really impressed that our car went on a boat and that we were actually in the water. He kept talking about it all night.

Today, Lisa had to work which is why I've even got time to blog at all. She is at the club and so Anakin and I had around 7 hours to kill until she gets back. The first thing I did was give each of us a bath. We were disgusting after that trip. Then we went for a walk. Lisa's house is right on the 13th hole of a golf course so we went up to the 16th tee and back. Anakin loved it. On the way, I found a leftover pile of snow (now ice) from the big snowstorm they had last week. Anakin was really impressed as he's never seen snow before. I used my foot and broke a few pieces of it off and let him throw them around for a while and he liked that a lot. It was really cool to let him play with "snow."

So now we are back in the warmth of the house. I have the fire going and Anakin is watching Wall-E while I make iced tea and get our lunch ready. Which will probably consist of easy mac for Anakin and a turkey sandwich for myself. I'll let you guys know how it's going if I get time. Otherwise, see you next week.

A year in review

2008-12-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here checking my usual online stuff--mommy forums, facebook, blogs, etc -- and I'm thinking man, who knew? who knew 2008 would bring me all it did? I turned 25, and you know what? Even though everyone who reads this is older than I am, 25 is a big deal. I always felt like it was the year you were really a grown up. You're not in your early 20's, you can't really be in college anymore, even if you are, then you're a good bit older than everyone else there, you are old enough to be married and possibly have a kid or two--I mean 25 seemed huge. And it is. So, I turned 25. I got fired from my job. This, oh by the way, is the first time I've ever been fired. I felt good knowing I stood up for myself. I didn't walk away feeling like I did anything wrong. I didn't get fired for showing up late, I didn't lose my job because I wasn't a hard worker. I did what I knew was right. Period. In turn, we got our head on straight about debt, paid off both our cars and saved enough money to get 2 big screen tvs. Being at home enhanced my marriage, encouraged my relationship with my son, made me a better wife, mother, and home maker and all in all we are so much happier. I made lots of new friends, some I will keep for the rest of my life and some I've already 'dumped.' :) 2008 brought lots of changes. Changes in my life and changes in me. And that's awesome. I have grown more in the last 6 months than maybe in the last 6 years. I look at my life and there is so much more I'm happy with. I'm happy exactly where I am. I'm proud to say I'm a mother I would look up to. I'm proud to say I'm a mother that others do look up to.

Happy 2008 everyone, and good luck with 2009. May it bring many surprises, and changes and may it bring much life. May we leave it better than we found it.

The ghosts of Christmas Future

2008-12-28T18:39:00.000-08:00

I had a theme going so for my New-Years-Resolutions post I thought I would call it the ghost of Christmas future though it is only the ghost of 2009 I guess.

I was under the impression we were only allowed to have one resolution each, but my friend Kerry assured me she had several in cue for next week so I decided to follow suit and have several for mine as well.

Lose 10 pounds. This one actually had to be altered to 15 since I gained 5 pounds while at my parents house for Christmas. But whatever. I guess it could just say "be back to the weight I was when I got married."
Learn Spanish. For real this time. I have been a mediocre spanish speaker for almost 6 years now and really, it's time I just buckled down and did it. Honestly, there is no reason I shouldn't have done this already. It will help me tremendously here in Mexi.. err Atlanta when I rejoin the work force in coming years and to be honest, I think it is just a good skill to have.
Start School. Gwinnett Technical college offers a very good Medical Assistant program and I would like to start in August.
Stop biting my fingernails. Really, this is an incredibly disgusting habit and it needs to stop. Period.

So, in the wake of realizing I had gained 5 pounds in Kentucky, I decided to get an early start and went for a 3 mile run today. I am so sorry I did that. I am not hydrated well and so I almost died when I got back. Because I ran competitively for 5 years, I have this mentality that I just need to push myself to reach my goals. So even if I am dieing in route, I will continue to run toward the light... er I mean my goal even if it means I may cease living. So while I am running, I'm fine, but then as soon as I am done, "what was I thinking?" (with added obscenities) is what is running through my brain for the next 3 hours.

All the same, I will be going jogging again in the morning with Kerry and my new jogging stroller (awesome!) and all three of our kids in tow. I'm so serious about losing this weight it's ridiculous! I want to be tip-top for our cruise. For 1: It's a cruise. I'd like to look half decent in my bathing suit, and 2: you gain 10 pounds on a cruise anyway. Mine as well get ahead while I can.

Writing down my new year's resolutions really got me to thinking about what else I'd like to accomplish in life in general. I was thinking, learn Tagalog (why can't I speak 3 languages?), learn Piano (I mean I have one, so why not play it?), finish school, and maybe run a half marathon some day, though that one had a little question mark at the end. All in all it just gave me an opportunity to reevaluate my priorities and goals and that was really cool. I haven't really had the opportunity to think about that kind of stuff since I started staying home and so it made me feel really good knowing there is so much more to my life for me now.

So, in 2009 what would you guys like to see here on a journey somewhat familiar? It would be a lot easier to write if I knew what you guys wanted to read! Comment and let me know!

Ghosts of Christmas present

2008-12-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

It is two days after Christmas, and to be honest, for our family it is actually a week after Christmas. Since we came to Kentucky for Christmas, I didn't think it would be smart to bring wrapped presents 400 miles just to unwrap them and take them home. So, we did our Christmas at home last Sunday. We got Anakin lots of little things and he got one big thing from both me and Dennis. I got him a Lightning McQueen shaving kit (fake of course) and Dennis got him a pirate costume. He loved everything of course.

Dennis did a lot of his own purchases this year. He got himself a bluray player, a video camera, and several video games he wanted. I got him an ipod shuffle for working out a book and a video game expansion pack he asked for.

The big moment was what he got me. He got me a few books and some DS games I had asked for and then I got to open my "big" present, which was a totally awesome jogging stroller. Then it turned out my REAL big present was a 5-day cruise! Awesome, right? I totally said the F-word on camera. Yeah, I was surprosed. Now I can't wait. But it ports in 90 days so we have a lot to do to get ready. Not to mention I am leaving for Seattle on Thursday so I'm hoping everything that needs to happen will get done. Anyway, I am super super excited and have already started shopping for a cocktail dress to wear on the ship! I've also been shopping for party shirts, but after having little luck with that, I think I may make some. We'll see!

The ghosts of Christmas past.

2008-12-25T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm in Kentucky, and let me very clear: I never like coming here. Given that my father is a regular blog subscriber, this is certainly no secret. But I feel the efforts are growing increasingly more difficult with each visit. The things that used to not seem like such a big deal now tax my patience and by the third day (ummm yeah that's today) I'm really really really ready to go home and often shed a few tears (which I did) into Dennis's shoulder. We are waiting around here another day for my sister and her family to come down from Iowa and to be honest, if they weren't coming, we wouldn't have come at all. It's a long trip (much longer it seems, with a 2 year old) and is very hard to make in the dead of winter. The weather can be unpredictable but as history would repeat itself, yet again it is cold and dismal here, with no snow to relieve the dissapointment.

I often call these trips "a reminder of my humble beginnings" and although things are much the same, little changes have crept their ways into this little town. It seems in a big city like Atlanta, where the recession (how much longer till we call it a depression) is strong and the economy crippled that our woes don't reach this far out, yet on the walk between my in-laws and my parents this morning (yes they live in the same neighborhood which isn't nearly as great as it seems, I can assure you) I saw two homes foreclosed. I saw them when we drove in but the walk gave me time to look at them, take them in, spend time thinking about the story behind the loss. On the street where my parents live, Amanda Ct., the canvas of all my childhood memories, there is a home just three units up from ours with the big yellow stickers on the front window. The VandeSteegs lived there when I was growing up. Sarah was 2 years older than me, lanky with stringy black hair. She liked wolves and horses and anything out doorsy and had a pretty red bike. Now the window shades are open to the cavernous empty rooms where the tenants left a few belongings. A lonely windchime still hangs from the front light and sings a dreary song in the cold winter breeze. The upstairs screens are busted and leaning against the walls on the inside of the house, and as you pass by, you suddenly get that sour feeling in the pit of your stomach, like when you pass a car wreck so bad, you know someone died. Someone did die here, I think as I recognize the brown paint on the walls. Someone's worth perished in a bank account. Someone's life-savings rose and fell like the tides of the wind that run across the tips of the trees that grow behind this home's back yard. Let me say, too that this is not an extravagant house. Nor is it a shack. It is a 4 bedroom, 2 floor, maybe 3000 square foot home with a full, unfinished basement. At least the basement was unfinished last time I was there which may have been 15 years ago. The house is probably worth around $125 in good condition and in a good market. Houses are cheaper in Kentucky anyway. But to go back to the emotion of it all, it just reminded me that life goes on with or without our presence. That children are born and that lives are lost and the world keeps moving and things keep changing and people are dieing. Maybe they are still breathing and their heart is still beating, but life is gone. Their life is gone. In looking at this house, I am filled with a sadness so overwhelming I can hardly breathe. In my consciousness, I blame the cold thin air, but in reality, I know it is fear. We are blessed, and God has met all our needs. And I know, no matter how bad it gets, he will continue to provide, but the roads he paves for us are often broken, and hard, and painful. And I'm scared for what's to come.

The spider-man quilt has begun.

2008-12-19T18:47:00.001-08:00

I had intended beginning my next quilt after the holidays but decided to go ahead and give it a whirl since I found the supplies at Joann on sale. And by supplies I mean one of those cool quilt starter kits, normally about $30 on sale for $10. While I realize buying one of these kits is (technically) cheating, let me just say that I will be building my own quilt out of this and my only intention was to find all the fabric I wanted in one little bag supplied in the perfect increments. I still had to do all the measuring, cutting and sewing myself, but didn't have to visit ten fabric stores reminding myself why I don't do this more often. That being said, hopefully I will only have to visit one fabric store to find what I want to finish this one as well. We'll see. Optimism is only a hobby of mine.

Here is the general idea. What I'm hoping to do is simply build off this with a layer of blue and another layer of red. It will all depend on how big I really want it (aka settle for). The kit I bought only made like a 30" quilt. I'm like what is that? A quilt for one of Santa's elves? Not sure, but obviously more is going to have to come of it.

And the best part of spiderman quilt pack? Spiderman argyle.

bridesmaid dresses and God's intention.

2008-12-15T17:22:00.001-08:00

After Eve ate the apple, I think it went "Now you suffer through menstral cycles and painful childbirth and thou shalt wear ugly bridesmaid dresses for all eternity." Something like that. Originally, my sister in law said I could wear whichever dress I wanted from David's Bridal as long as I chose it in the color she wanted. The color was pool which is a fancy word for teal which is a fancy word for gross. However, when both her cousins chose the same dress, I obviously had to wear what they had chosen so I didn't look like the idiot wearing the wrong dress. And so this is what they chose. Let me just say here that for two 21 year old girls who weigh 100 lbs each, soaking wet, this dress is perfect. But for my big butt, not so much. So I will probably be wearing a body suit under it and holding my breath the entire time. If I faint, I'm sure Dennis will catch me. And if she had chosen the dress in maybe black, I could possibly wear it again. But since it's teal, I mean "pool", I might try to sell it on ebay when we're done.

to whom it may concern:

2008-12-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am hereby submitting my resignation letter. I have enjoyed my time working with this company and feel I have learned many skills that will allow me to move up substantially in future positions. However, I no longer have the energy to clean poopy underwear, mop urine from my carpet, cook 2 square meals 6 days a week, do the dishes, clean the said urine-soaked clothing, bathe, train, and raise a society-acceptable 2-year-old and still maintain my sanity. I am leaving to pursue other opportunities in the form of a weekend away with my girlfriends. I'll be back on Monday.

Sincerely,
Mom.

All joking aside, some days are harder than others. Today = extra hard. I was not expecting to have Dean all day today, and I, of course, don't mind at all that his mom asked me to keep him all day so she could do some things at school. But that doesn't make it any less exhausting. And to only increase the insanity, both the boys were in a foul mood today and I'm trying desperately to get the house cleaned up before we have company over this weekend. "Why are you cleaning when you have two moody toddlers, Rach?" I hear you ask with that note of sarcasm in your voice. I assure you, it would be worse if I was dealing with them nonstop. When they are moody, if I just let them play and fight and work it out, that's exaclty what they do: work it out. If I am hovering over them, it makes them come to me every time a pin is dropped and say "Mommy, Dean did this" "Mommy, Anakin hurt me!" It is better just to tell them I am busy and stay in the other room, in ear shot of something seriously going wrong. And also, the satisfaction of actually cleaning something is incredibly cathartic. It reminds me that I have purpose in this house. That Dennis is not working to help me stay home merely to play video games and make sure the boys don't kill each other.

On that note, I have made a lot of progress with Anakin's lessons. He has officially learned all his colors, all his shapes and about 10 letters. Go me! Go Anakin! Nonetheless, he will definitely be starting preschool in January (which will be when we officially have both cars paid off) at a local Church Preschool program that came highly reccomended. The mesely 3 hours a day I will regain twice a week won't be enough time to do much, but perhaps it will at least give me a little room to breathe again. I will officially no longer be Dean's care-giver as of tomorrow afternoon so that will certainly give me some more energy as well and I am actually kind of looking forward to this new chapter in my mommy-life. I've already decided to start taking a Pilates class once a week with a friend while our boys are at school and I'm really excited I may be able to get back my pre-mommy belly!

With all that out, it leaves me to look back and see all that I appreciate about this new part of my life. Karen asked me when I saw her recently in the midst of her great trek to El Paso, what was my favorite part of being a stay at home mom. I took a moment to deliberate; should I tell my generic answer, or should I tell my heart. After realizing Karen would recognize the lie, I told her, "I struggled a lot with post-pardum depression. Now, looking back, I realize how bad it really was but when I was going through it, my friends and family told me what I was feeling was normal and so I just went on like nothing was wrong. In turn, Anakin and I didn't really have a relationship. We didn't bond the way most moms do with their babies. I really struggled to love him because all I could think was You ruined my marriage/family/body/career. But now that I'm out of that, and I get to spend every day with this wonderful gift God gave me, I am reminded of how sovereign and awesome the Lord is, and how incredibly knowing He is. And now Anakin is one of my best friends. We play games, and tell stories and have conversations and just be together. That's the best part. The best part is watching this little baby become a boy and that boy become my second-best friend. And also, in turn, my marriage is so much better. That's the best part. My family finally being the family I knew I always wanted."

Okay, with maybe a few less/more words. But that was the idea. So. Somedays are harder than others. And today I am about ready to quit. But Anakin has been asleep for about an hour and I find myself already listening to hear his little feet get out of bed. Because that's the best part of my entire day. When he opens the door, with that expectant face, and then he sees me and his eyes light up. "There she is!" his heart screams "There's my best friend! There's my mommy!"

My friend posted this on her blog- auther is unknown

2008-12-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'

I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

thanksgiving and the days that followed

2008-11-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been posting. If you had told me, "Rachael you're going to be a stay-at-home-mom and your life is going to be hectic" 6 months ago, I wouldn't have believed you, but alas the days grow full and free time sparse.

The four days that encapsulates Thanksgiving might have been the longest two weeks of my life. Yeah I said that on purpose. I love my family very much, but I often struggle with tolerating them for long periods of time. I expressed to Dennis that I think my tolerance levels are depleting, even. Something about having children makes the little things about in-laws seem like big things. I constantly reminded myself that this was just a visit and it would be over soon.

Thursday morning, we did our traditional eggrolling contest which was prefaced by many weeks of smack talking and various betting. I lived up to my claims and won the contest by 3. I received an awesome massage from my darling sister, Donna, and all was well in my world.

Friday I went black Friday shopping, sorry there are no pictures. Danielle (pictured here) had to be at work at Kohl's at 3:45am and since Kohl's is the first place I like to go every year anyway, I took her to work and then took my post about 100 people back in line to get in to the store. Donna joined me shortly after and we waited about 20ish minutes to get in. Once in, with no apprehension on getting gifts or certain items or whatever, we casually perused the store while wild white-trash maniacs devoured under-priced toys and cheaply made comforters. My items of note:

Chutes and Ladders, Hi-ho Cheerio, and Candy Land all for under $4 each
a griddle for Donna and Kyle (the newlyweds) for $10
and a brother sewing machine for $60.

The sewing machine was an especially awesome find because I only knew it was there when the guy in check-out line behind me had 3. I asked if he had gotten the last of them to which he replied "yes, but they may have restocked" and sent me in their general direction. Sure enough, there were 2 left. After strongly considering both, I took only one and got back in line. For future reference, this was the worst part. We stood in line for checkout for an hour and a half and I know they had every single checkout line open. But we had some hilarious line mates whom we joked with about random items we passed as the line progressed, so all was well. At the end, I also received $20 Kohl's cash, which is as good as cash considering Kohl's is like heaven in a grey building.

Dennis joined in the fun and braved BestBuy at 5am. He got us a bluray player for like $180 and he got me a new bluetooth since mine bit the dust. I love my new bluetooth and we watched our bluray this morning and it is awesome. You could see fuzzies on the jacket of Deloris Umbridge in the Order of the Phoenix. Oh yeah, we also bought all 5 of the current Harry Potter movies at this awesome used DVD store we found in e-town.

By Saturday, we were ready to go home. Anakin kept saying "I want go bye-bye" and we knew it was time to head that way. We talked about leaving first thing Sunday morning at like 3am but quickly realized we couldn't possibly spend one more night in this god-forsaken town and we headed out at about 10:30pm. My awesome friend, Michelle, talked me all the way past Nashville (3 hours! what an awesome friend!) and when Dennis took over just before the mountains, we got some gas and popped in the last disc of Harry Potter. I laid back to sleep but found myself entranced in the book and mostly just laid with my eyes closed. We got home at 4:30am (6 hours exactly!) and rested in our own bed, thankful we missed the traffic and happy to have a day to rest before starting a new week. I can't believe we are planning on heading back to KY for Christmas and am instantly sorry these are the plans we've made. It's okay, family is family and someday I will be missing them and wishing the long holidays were here again. I was really reminded of this when, for some reason, I started missing my Aunt Paula so bad it ached. Not that we've ever spent Thanksgiving or Chistmas at her house in Florida, but just hat long trips used to take us different places. So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for family that drives me crazy. But I am very happy to be home.

Monday mornings come too soon.

2008-11-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

So Anakin has been sick. I went to a movie with my friend, Tammy on Friday and when I got home, I went upstairs to check on him and he was burning up... and not sleeping. I took his temp and it was 103!! I stripped him down, gave him some tylenol and rubbed a clod washcloth all over his back. That got it down a little and certainly got him back to sleep. When it was 102 the next morning, an obvious trip to the doctor was in order. Sure enough, he has an infection in his right ear. We put him on some insanely expensive antibiotics (because he is allergic to amoxicillan) and a tylenol/ibuprofin regimen. He is doing better today, no fever, but obviously still sick.

We are going preschool shopping so I will let you know how that goes.

Best Meatloaf EVER!

2008-11-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am so proud to say that this is my own personal recipe formed from years of attempted perfection. We ate this on Wednesday and both my husband and I agreed, this is as good as it gets!

Ingredients:
1 pound ground turkey
1 can sliced carrots
1/2 cup ketchup
1/3 cup oatmeal
1 T minced onion (or you can cut a fresh one if you care)
1 T Oregano (really one shake from the bottle should do it)
salt and pepper to taste

Mix all ingredients and shape into a loaf. Place in loaf pan or shallow baking dish covered in tinfoil (this is what I do!) and bake at 350º for about an hour or until internal temperature is 180º. I serve it with greenbeans and corn or blackeyed peas.

Smothered Chicken

2008-11-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

Smothered Chicken

Chicken

Chopped Onion

Chopped Celery

Minced Garlic

1 can stewed tomatoes

1 can golden mushroom soup

3 T Worcestershire sauce

4 T Butter

1. Brown chicken in butter.

2. Add veggies and garlic, and cook 3-5 min

3. Stir in tomatoes, soup, and Worcestershire sauce.

4. Heat to a boiling, and let simmer 5 minutes.

I like this with rice

Adopt a child for Christmas

2008-11-09T17:14:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, I know the economy is rough this year and with me losing my job in June, trust me I understand how tight it is. But I just wanted to share with you an awesome ministry I participate in and offer up the opportunity for anyone who would like to also contribute.

The name of the organization is the MAX. It's run out of Lawrenceville and it is a program that reaches out to children in poverty stricken neighborhoods where there is gang activity, drug activity, and prostitution to name a few. Pastor Felica Scales started the program in 1999 out of the trunk of her car as an after-school program. The first day, she had 3 students attend. The second day, 15. By the end of the month, she had over 100 students attending on a daily basis. Now, she runs the program with a team that ministers to several hundred children throughout our community. These children would otherwise be in gangs, dropping out of school to work or sell drugs, or getting involved in teen pregnancy. All of these things would keep them from coming to the MAX's programs, so by being at the meetings, they make a promise they will be above the issues that have troubled their family and peers. This year is an especially important year because 4 students that were in the program the first year as second graders will be graduating this year and they will all 4 be the first students to EVER graduate highschool in their families. This is a really big deal for our community.

Now that I've kind of explained the program, let me share what we are doing for Christmas. What we do is, any person the age of 0-17 is eligible for the ChristMAX program, but they have to meet certain requirements. If they are school-age, they must be passing all classes and have at least a C average, they must be attending the MAX sessions regularly and they must meet the regular requirements to be at the MAX (aka in school, no drugs or gangs, etc). The first year we did ChristMAX (about 6 years ago) we had 15 people in the program. Now we have well over 300. Plus, we will have an additional 100+ people show up the day of our ChristMAX party and we don't want anyone to go away empty-handed.

Every child that meets the prerequisites, fills out a form and has their picture taken and they go up for "adoption." DH and I always choose a little boy close to Anakin's age so we can double purchase everything since all 2 year olds like the same stuff, right? When you adopt the child, you receive a description of their interests, favorite colors, favorite superheros, etc so you get a good idea of what they like. The program asks that you spend about $50 on each child, according to what they've asked for, but whatever you can give is of course appreciated.

I just want to share one story of the very first ChristMAX I went to. There was a student there named Francisco and he was one of 6 children at the time (now he has 11 siblings). His father was incredibly abusive and would not let any of the children leave the yard or let his mother even leave the house to do shopping. If he caught Francisco coming to the MAX after school, he would receive a horrible beating. Francisco showed up consistently, sneaking out of the house, risking his own welfare to be in the program. When ChristMAX season came around, a family at our church requested a specific age boy so they could supplement their gifts with some clothes from their son who had a growth spurt and missed a whole season of clothes they bought him. At that time, we let students request specific toys (which we don't do anymore) and on Francisco's sheet, he requested a PS2, and the family graciously provided this with a few games and a few outfits. When the gift came in, all of us on the team weren't sure what to do. We ask that you spend $50, this was obviously too much and could cause some issues with the whole program. Felica prayed about it over and over and finally decided that the gift was a gift, and not hers to decide. On the day that the packages are handed out (about a week before Christmas), we allow each child to open one gift. Francisco opened the smallest package in his bag, and it ended up being a PS2 game. He instantly broke into tears and I went to Felica to tell her. Felica looked out into the crowd of 200 people and spotted Francisco right away. He sat at his Christmas bag, heart broken, with tears streaming down his face. When she went to speak with him, he looked up at her and said "Pastor Felica, I can't use this gift." Of course, she instantly dug to the bottom of the bag and let him open the PS2 and he was thrilled with joy. But that is not the wonderful part of the story. When Francisco took the present home, and his father saw what someone who didn't even know him gave him, he stopped beating his children. He stopped controlling his wife. He let all the kids attend the MAX. This single gift, changed the life of a hurt, and hardened man and his family, and his community.

This year, Francisco is a junior in high school and is well on his way to graduating next year. His mom now has her driver's license and is able to do her own shopping. And 7 of Francisco's siblings attend the MAX, the other 4 will be attending as soon as they are school-aged.

I just wanted to share this awesome program I'm involved in with everyone. If you are interested in adopting a child, please let me know, or you can contact Pastor Felica at felica@themaxonline.org or visit the website http://themaxonline.org/

If you are interested, you can let me know what age and gender you would like and I can email you a picture and form with the child's sizes, interests, etc. We have had a lot of students adopted already but we still have a lot to go. All gifts are due by 11/30, so if you would like to adopt, please let me know right away.

Thanks for taking the time to read this incredibly long post. I just wanted to share this deep passion of mine with you guys. I've had a few people already ask me about it, so I thought maybe more of you might be interested in making an impact in a local child's family this year.

Thanks again,
Rachael

OMG I haven't been blogging!!

2008-11-08T21:58:00.000-08:00

In honor of NaBloMo, I should be blogging every day. However, I'm a loser.

This is another one of those weeks where things have hit me hard emotionally and so I can't share. But I will talk a little about potty training. I have two words. I quit. Ok, not really but that's how I feel! I won't quit but this process is far too long.

Also, I promised Lisa pictures of Anakin putting yogurt in his hair. My camera froze up and then the battery died, but I will post it tomorrow, promise.

Have a good night!

Chicken Parmisan (sp?)

2008-11-06T20:15:00.001-08:00

In honor of national bloggers month, this is what we had for dinner. With Asparagus and Corn.

Have a great night everyone!

History was made today, and what do you have to say about it?

2008-11-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying this: If any of you know me, truley know me, you know I tend to keep my beliefs to myself. I'm honestly not scared of offending anyone, I just don't feel like spending energy talking to someone who's not listening. Most people who have already made up their mind about a character impacting issue such as religion, politics, education, etc. don't want to listen to what you have to say, they only want to listen to why you are wrong. I had the privelage of having good political conversations with a few of my friends in September and spent a lot of time looking over all four candidates (presidents and vice presidents) before making my decision to vote for the Obama/Biden ticket. There were several key issues that weighed heavy on my heart and I voted in favor of those. My mom, for instance is a very strict abortion voter so she votes Republican every time. So be it. What is important to you, has to be the reason you vote. If you haven't done your homework and researched your own issues and searched your own heart, I hope you in turn do what you feel is responsible.

Unfortunately, several of my friends are Republicans that have tainted beliefs about one's politics vs. their character. Both are important when choosing a president. But the number one thing to remember, is that our government is placed according to God's plan. It doesn't matter how you voted, who you supported or what you thought. It is our responsibility to support our president despite our personal beliefs. We must pray for him not because we think he is incapable, but because we know none of us is capable. We should not pray for the fate of our country because we think it is in peril. We must pray for the fate of our country because we are sincerely concerned for the welfare of all americans, any day, and every day. Because whether or not we are at war with another country, we will always be at war with humanity--good vs. evil, wrong vs. right. Decisions can not be made by one leader or one president, it takes everyone. Good decisions are made every presidential term. So are bad ones. I pray with each president, that he is led by God's wisdom and be His spirit. And that the good decisions benefit us better than the bad decisions hurt us.

I'm not concerned about a name. I'm concerned about politics. I'm infuriated that because I'm a Christian, I'm supposed to automatically be republican. I'm infuriated that because I'm registered republican, I'm supposed to vote republican. It's my choice. And so it is your choice as well. I don't care who you voted for. I care that you support your country--OUR COUNTRY. I care that when it all comes down, you stand up and say, I made the decisions that I felt were best for me and my family and I chose to stand by the president my country chose, even if he is not who I personally wanted. Because the election is over, people. You can't change the decision that's been made. You can only change the decision you are making right now. Do you choose to support your country, or stand apart from its leaders? You can not do one without the other.

PS: we're having Chili for dinner. So no recipe today.

Election Day!

2008-11-04T15:28:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying I voted! I don't love voting, especially when I am not 100% decisive and I have to make a decision just for the sake of making one. Ah well, so be it. I only had to wait in line for 45 minutes and it was no big deal.

Today's Menu:

Polynesian Chicken

Chicken

Garlic Powder

EVOO

Chopped Onion

Golden Mushroom Soup

1 can Pineapple with juice

3 T soy sauce

1 T honey

Season Chicken with garlic
Heat oil in skillet and cook chicken until brown
Add onion
Add soup, pineapple with juice, soy and honey
Heat to a boil, cover and simmer about 10 minutes.

We had this with black eyed peas and green beans.

Around a thousand times and back again

2008-11-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

Okay maybe not a thousand times, but I'm back at least for a second time of menuing and recipe working. I think we will probably continue to do this if Dennis would really like to continue doing this low carb thing. Meals with pasta and soup are always easy to throw together at the last minute, but making a menu two weeks in advance helps me from several angles. It helps me purchase with intention, eliminating the issue of buying items that are going to sit in my pantry for weeks or months. This really started because when we lost our fridge, we lost all our extra food in the kitchen. I have a little in the pantry, but we are big frozen food people so we lost all of that. The biggest challenge is to find recipes that have low carb, but that don't create redundancy in our meals. I also obviously have the challenge of keeping our budget. If we were eating like slobs, it wouldn't be an issue. But I do want to keep it half healthy.

So, get ready for another round of recipes with Rachael. For the days I'm repeating recipes, I will redirect you and post about something else. Don't forget November is national bloggers month! Try to post everyday!! :D

Today's Menu:
Pork Fried Rice
**Please note this is neither low carb or non-beef/pork as my usual rules are but I am not going grocery shopping until tomorrow and this is what I have in the house!!

Ingredients:
Pork (cubed)
Minced garlic
3 eggs scrambled
3 cups cooked rice
Mixed veggies
fish sauce (optional)
soy sauce
salt/pepper
oregano

Heat EVOO in large skillet or pot and brown cubed pork with minced garlice
While Pork is cooking, push meat to one side and begin cooking scrambled eggs.
Once both eggs and pork are cooked, add rice and soy sauce. Here you may also add sesame seeds if you prefer. Add salt, pepper and oregano. Mix well.
Add veggies. I use the generic peas, carrots and green beans from frozen. I thaw them for awhile, but don't cook them first because I like them crisp. It's all about personal preference. You can add water chestnuts, mushrooms, or brocolli to name a few of my favs!
Stir well and allow items to warm for 20-30 minutes, stirring once or twice, until all items are soft and warm.

Mimi's

2008-11-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to let all my friends that I've become addicted to this blog. I will be making this very soon!

2008-11-01T16:23:00.001-07:00

Last night we went to a halloween party. Let me be specific here, we went to THE halloween party in Atlanta at literally the last club still open and even at that it's only open for special occasions like a huge halloween party. Some things of note:

I thought I was getting too old for these things. I'm not. There were lots and lots of older people there and I was sad for them.
I knew I was a light weight but my second (and last) drink knocked me off my feet. So either it was drugged (which seems unlikely since I saw it transfer from the bartenders hand to my hand to my mouth in one fail swoop) or she didn't measure the alcohol when making it and probably gave me 2-3 shots worth when really I was satisfied with only one.
There is no way to properly communicate when inebriated. Even when I muster up the remaining brain power to form a complete sentence, no one takes me seriously. I was trying to give someone directions and they just looked at me like I was stupid. But I still remember what I said, and I gave him the right directions.
When it comes down to it, you find out who your real friends are.

Let me get out of the bullets to elaborate on number 4 because this is really important to me. We went to this club last night with two friends, Jeremy and his brother, Chad. Jeremy and Dennis have been friends since he moved to Snellville back in 1989 so we're talking almost 20 years here. Jeremy was one of those friends that you went up through school with. He lived down the street so they rode the bus together and stayed friends even while Dennis moved to KY and then when he came back to Atlanta to go to school, Jeremy was his room mate for a year. Well when Dennis and I got married, Jeremy and Dennis had a huge falling out. This happens often when people get married, but this particular one was severe. Jeremy made a few comments to Dennis about me being his ball-and-chain and stuff like that and Dennis cut him off. So about a year or two ago, after what really only seemed like an issue with schedules and life and nothing personal, Dennis ran into him in the city and they started talking again. He had become one of those friends that you like the idea of. As in, I know there is cool somewhere down there so I will continue talking to you but every time I do, I'm reminded why we're not really friends anymore. In adulthood we all often become something different than what we thought we'd be. Sometimes we grow so much, we are better than we'd intended. And sometimes, not so much.

Anyway, Dennis invited Jeremy and Chad to go with us because these were two guys that could use a night out. By about 2am, Jeremy and Chad had found two sisters. As I recall, they were pretty good looking but it was dark and I was drunk so who knows. By 3am, the girls were ready to go home and Jeremy and Chad, who had not had much to drink, were more than obliged to take them as they were in no condition to drive. The guys walked them out to the car, and this is the part that is awesome. With the prospect that they were going to go back to Jeremy's place (which was very close to the club), Jeremy left the girls and came back to get us. Dennis and I had separated from them earlier in the night to let them be with these girls and Jeremy came back into the club to make sure we could drive before he left. Since we could not, he let the girls go and drove Dennis and I around until Dennis was ready to get behind the wheel. The awesome thing here is that Jeremy honestly let that go fo rus. We didn't ask him to. We certainly could have sobered up either there at the club or in our car, but he didn't want Dennis to think he was ready and not have a third party make sure he was. Now, let me go off here a little and say that Dennis would never ever put either of us, or anyone else in danger. And I believe he would wait long after he felt ready before he would ever drive. He is a very concious drinker and had been careful to stop in time to sober up. That being said, it was still incredibly respectful of Jeremy to keep an eye on him until he felt like Dennis was ready, too. It was honestly a really awesome thing for him to have done and I am eternally grateful that he took that time to be sure of our safety. Had we needed to spend the night at his loft, I know he would not have hesitated to let us have a key or drive us over there himself.

Stop blog mooching!

2008-10-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

Bloggers like comments. They make us happy! They let us know you are reading and appreciating our efforts. So all of you blog moochers out there, stop reading without commenting!

halloween costumes

2008-10-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Anakin will be going as a Jedi (aka himself)

The weekend in review

2008-10-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

I am a little reluctant to post my true feelings of how this weekend went. As a whole, it was awesome. There was a great move of the spirit at the retreat and many women were phenomenally moved and impressed upon. More than anything, these women came to a better realization of God's intention in creating each of them individually. The series was a lot about who we are in Christ, that we are uniquely designed and that God has great intentions for us. We talked a lot about the scripture "God knew you before he made you" and what that really means, not just that he knew you, but that he knew all your ways and all your goings and therefor placed you in this life, at this time, with these purposes. All of that was awesome.

I did struggle a lot with the other musician. We did well when we practiced on Thursday, but when we got up there, it just kind of fell apart. I don't know. She is not the kind of piano player you can lean on. I wish I had known that. In practice, I leaned on her for a few songs and she did fine, but when we got up there, she couldn't keep tempo, she played wrong notes. I give up. I was really frustrated and wanted Beba (the director) to let me choose my own team but I didn't want to say no to a willing spirit, you know? Oh well. If she asks me to lead again next year, I want to choose my own team and I will put my foot down about it. Also, the other musician had asked if I would play with her again in future and I now know my answer will be no for that. I just don't think I can work with her again. We are two different kinds of musicians and we just didn't work well together.

So, overall, the weekend went well. But it was a learning experience and now I know a lot more about working with a music team that I am in charge of instead of following other people--which is what I have don ein the past.

On a side note, Dennis and I are going to a big halloween party on Friday (after trick-or-treating) that's adults only. I picked out my costume earlier this week, I will be going as a sexy school girl. So today we went to party city to get Dennis's and we got him the priest outfit to match. Awesome. I will definitely take pictures of that!

2008-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

Finish the purses. Wait I forgot to mention that so that's not a recap. I made a few purses a while back and we have an auction at the retreat to raise money for the benevolance fund and so I said they could have my purses but honestly forgot there was so much work left to do on them!!
Type out music details for team including schedule, keys, arrangements and notes
Actually practice with the other vocalist (??!!)
Get all the songs into powerpoint (this is the one I'm worried about)
Get packed
Find 90s stuff for some lame-o table I have to do. Like I have 90s stuff??! What defines 90s stuff?!

Okay lets do a checkoff.
#1: done. And actually, they look better than I anticipated. I'm sorry to see one of them go. I may end up bidding on it!
#2: done.
#3:will happen tonight. no big deal.
#4:done. and I'm very proud of myself here.
#5:about to do....
#6:I decided on a book of CDs that we have actually already burned over to MP3s so whatever.

OKay, I've made a lot of progress here. Who's proud of me?

2008-10-24T05:09:00.000-07:00

busy busy days gone by and many more ahead

2008-10-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

So my life has been a lot more hectic with Dean around. Not that Dean has been making it hectic, because I really don't think he has, but my life just feels crazy right now. Last weekend we went to Summerville, SC to see Desi and Darren and the baby. I finished my quilt FINALLY, and we had a pretty good weekend. I knew this weekend would be rough with the Women's Retreat coming up but I have to say, it feels like more than I bargained for. I'm not complaining, there are so many other women doing so much more than me, but gosh am I tired!! I will be working with only one other musician (who is a semi-vocalist as well) and one other vocalist. Since the other musician and I obviously have the most work to do, it seemed right that she and I meet together first. Well she couldn't get together until Tuesday because she was singing at Emmaeus last weekend and wasn't worth anybody's time on Monday. So Tuesday night I went over to her GINORMOUS house (seriously... I was scared to touch the furniture) and we practiced for about 2 hours. Mostly that was just getting a basic roughdraft of the song list ready and talking about what keys we wanted to do it in. Wednesday night, we had a meeting with Beba, the director, at 6 and that was the presentation of the agenda so we could get the order of our songlist ready. Off on a little tangeant here, for those of you not usually involved in these types of things, it is not okay to give the music director of a retreat that starts on Friday, the agenda for the weekend on Wendesday. Seriously. Two days? Not cool. So anyway, as Karen would say, I digress. Today, I went to Chick-fil-a with a few other moms for a playdate and took along my newly received agenda, songlist, and music book and sat down while we chit chatted with coffee and chicken nuggets and made out a preliminary arrangement of the songs before Karen (different Karen) and I were scheduled to meet at 1 at the church. The practice went till 4, which is honestly not so bad. I had Anakin with me but he was great thanks to my awesome phone that not only has a TV on it, but has free episodes of Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to boot! We only had a few changes, including keys, my arrangement/order of songs, and the lyrics and we ended up scratching a few songs all together.

Now I am back from practice, thank you, Lord (I'm honestly Thanking God here) that Anakin wanted to take a nap when we got home, and now I am resting before continuing my work. See, since the retreat starts tomorrow, I really need to have everything done today. So I need to write out the agenda and email it to the two girls I'm working with, and I need to put everything on powerpoint. Again, I'm not complaining that the powerpoint ended up being my responsibility but why didn't anyone tell me?? Lame. So. Lame. Not to mention I still need to pack. Of course, that can be done tomorrow.

No worries here, I'm not in the least bit stressed. Of course that's because I have absolutely no energy left to BE stressed. Seriously. I told Dennis I look like a corpse with fingers that have a life of their own. Two little "things" disembodied at the end of each arm. Dennis is wonderful and offerend to bring home dinner. Which is good since we have no food in the house. He also said not to worry about grocery shopping, that he would make do until Monday. I immediately requested something incredibly unhealthy. With a side of mashed potatos and green beans please. Don't forget the biscuit. For all that is holy, don't forget the biscuit!!

Let's recap. Things left for Rachael to do:

Finish the purses. Wait I forgot to mention that so that's not a recap. I made a few purses a while back and we have an auction at the retreat to raise money for the benevolance fund and so I said they could have my purses but honestly forgot there was so much work left to do on them!!
Type out music details for team including schedule, keys, arrangements and notes
Actually practice with the other vocalist (??!!)
Get all the songs into powerpoint (this is the one I'm worried about)
Get packed
Find 90s stuff for some lame-o table I have to do. Like I have 90s stuff??! What defines 90s stuff?!

I think that's it. It doesn't look so bad when its on paper. Dennis always tells me to make lists so that I can sort things out in my head. It makes stressful situations easier to deal with. I just have to keep taking deep breaths and just work through this one thing at a time. What will be will be. I have no control over what happens outside of what I can do and how I react to things so that's what I have to focus on.

I'm going to ask Dennis if I can take the camera so hopefully I can post some pics on Monday.

Weekend in SC

2008-10-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

I realize I am incredibly behind on my recipe blogging, and that's a shame because I made two really good meals that I have yet to post. I will get to them when I get back next week.

I made a mad dash to finish the quilt for Raileigh, my friend Desi's new baby and though I can hardly believe it myself, I finished it just in time. I literally sewed the binding on less than an hour before we left to make the 5 hour trip up here. Now we are here, and of course, Desi loved it. She even shed a few tears! :) So, here are a few pictures to hold you over.

Here are also a few pictures of us with the baby.

day 8

2008-10-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

I realize Day 6 and 7 were non existent, but nonetheless, we are on day 8.

Today's Menu
Cashew Broccoli Chicken
* * * * *

Ingredients:
1 lb of boneless, skinless chicken breast cubed (I use 1/2 a lb for the 2 of us)
1 bushel fresh broccoli or one bag frozen
1-2 stalks celery (per your preference--if you like celery you can use more)
1/4 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup Peanut Butter
1 T Honey
2 T Soy Sauce
1 dash red pepper
1 clove of garlic, minced
EVOO

1. Mix broth, peanut butter, soy sauce, honey and red pepper for sauce and set aside. It will not be a smooth mix, don't worry about it. It won't matter, but you want to let it sit so the acid works into the peanut butter.
2. Heat oil in pan and cook chicken and garlic until chicken is no longer pink. Set meat aside and keep warm
3. In same pan, heat some more oil and cook broccoli and celery 2-3 minutes or until tender-crisp. Return chicken to pan and add sauce. Heat to a boil, reduce heat, cover and let simmer for about 5 minutes.

The recipe also calls for two packs of cooked ramen noodles (without the seasoning) to serve with the chicken, which we will skip since we are doing no pasta. When you serve it, you are supposed to sprinkle it with cashews, but I just sprinkle it with regular peanuts. Also, I use water instead of broth because I don't use enough broth to keep it in the house. This is one of our favorite recipes and it is super easy to make. The combination sounds weird, but tastes wonderful.

Good news

2008-10-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

So my shoulder is feeling a bit better. Not a lot better but the pain is tolerable today. I really need to go to a doctor. I'm so anti-doctor. I'm scared he will say I need surgery and I really don't want to do that.

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have a recipe today. Dennis was such a sweetie and took me out to eat today so I didn't have to cook. (my honey is the best!) but what I was going to make today was a boring mushroom porkchop recipe anyway. Nothing exciting.

We had a little regression today with potty training but its no big deal. We bought Anakin this today as a treat if he does well potty training. We are going to have a little chart for him to fill up with stickers and I will put the toy on top of the fridge so he has a visual aid to do well with potty training. This was advice from another mommy-friend of mine and at this point, I am taking everyone's advice. I was thinking today, that this actually wasn't that painful (considering.) I mean, all in all, it could have been a lot worse. And even though I know we will have some set backs in the coming months, he is definitely potty-trained and that means I did it in about 3 weeks and I say thats pretty darn impressive. I hear moms who have been potty training for like a year and are still having problems with it. While I recognize that it all depends on the kid, I'm just thankful everyday that I have such an easy kid and that God blessed us with someone that fit us so well. He is such a goofball, and such a love bug, and an allround really fun kid to be around and I'm so thankful God has blessed us so immensley. And let me just add, that I can't believe this thankfulness has been brought on by the practice of peeing and pooping. haha

Tomorrow's menu is Cashew Brocolli Chicken which is a pampered chef recipe I got from a friend. I don't use cashews because they are too expensive so I need to think of a new name for it. But it is DELISH!

PS, Machelle, I do want the number to your Orthopedist.

why am I up so late?

2008-10-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

It is clearly too far into the wee hours for me to still be awake and yet... here I am. Taking a break from my SVU marathon on USA to poke around this great big world called interweb while Dennis is out getting me cookies. Why is dennis getting you cookies? This seems like an odd request for a perfectly normal-non-pregnant woman. (I'm not pregnant, promise) Well you see, with a pain so intense that it's creeping up my neck and right into my migraine prone head, comes a wicked case of nausea. And so I am not wanting to eat anything. Or drink anything. Or think about eating anything or drinking anything. But Dennis knows, no matter what, I will eat cookies. And a few cookies and a tall glass of milk is just enough substance to stabalize some ibuprofin in my (at the moment) incredibly unstable tummy.

So, about how the pain started. Dennis and I took a trip to Hilton Head at the end of June and while we were there, we decided to throw a football around. Well that day, it just happened to be really windy. So I ended up throwing the ball really hard--apparently too hard. I must have torn something because the front of my shoulder has been hurting ever since. I gave it about a month to heal, being careful not to use it too much and I took the liberty of making a few visits to a massage therapist to help work out the tension. It felt better for a little while but every day it just got a little worse and a little worse... Until yesterday when this sharp shooting pain started making its way up my shoulder into my neck. I thought it was a crick in my neck, but those go away and this definitely has NOT subsided. It feels better in the morning, and worse at night. Right now the pain is so bad, I can't even sleep (ergo dennis's late night trip to Kroger). So, should it subside tomorrow, all is well and I will schedule an appointment with a physical tharapist whenever (which means when this happens again.) Should it not subside, Monday morning, I will call my doctor, demand a reference to a PT and march my way into the PT's office and demand to be seen with my life-threatening injury. Ok. Maybe I won't be that dramatic. But considering how dramatic this pain is at the moment, I just may be.

OKay I am done rambling, I have to get off. Though no position aleviates the pain, sitting here typing is second only to playing video games (See what I mean about it being life threatening??!!) so I will ammuse you again tomorrow. Until then, my faithful blog-stalkers, I bid you happy evenings and good morrows!

ps i have no recipe for today, Dennis and I took a much needed break. I will give you one tomorrow... promise. ;)

day five

2008-10-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I am pre-writing my recipe for today because I already know it's awesome. We are having homemade chili. This is the recipe that my friend Crystal gave me and there is no secret. One pound beef (we use turkey of course), 2 cans tomatoes, one can red beans, one can black beans and one packet chili seasoning. Brown the meat, put everything in the crock pot and cook it on high for 4 hours or low for 8. Delish!

Now, let me talk about a few other things of note. Today, I took Anakin to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Stop laughing at me. Ok seriously. Stop laughing. Anyway, the movie was not good. It was interminably long but I have to be honest, the story was... ok. Not that bad. But not good either. For a kids movie, it was ok but had way too much dialogue and not enough action in it. It was a lot like Milo and Otis from when I was a kid and I hated that movie.

But, on a positive note, I took Anakin in big boy pants, and he did great! He told me he had to potty when he needed to, and he totally went on the big potty! I'm so happy! Also, yesterday, he went twice with big boy pants on by himself! He pulled, them down, went potty and then pulled them back up before he ever even told me he had to go. This is awesome! This is huge progress! The trick was, I bought him some Thomas and Spider Man underwear. Now, on my mom's behalf, she told me to do this all along. My issue was that they are too big. Sesame Street was the only brand I could find in 18 months (even though my kid is 2 and a half!) but I figured, pants that are too big that make him go are better than me cleaning pee off my carpet! So, it worked!

Anyway, thats whats going on in this journey somewhat familiar! See you guys tomorrow!

day four

2008-10-09T16:32:00.001-07:00

Three posts in one day?? What is this world coming to?? IT'S INSANITY!!!

Today's Menu
Polynesian Pork
with Blackeye Peas
and Green Beans
* * * *

Ingredients:
1 lb Pork chops
1 can golden mushroom soup
1 can pineapple chunks
1 medium sized onion minced
1 T honey
3 T soy sauce
garlic powder
EVOO

1. Heat oil in medium-high skillet and season pork chops with garlic
2. Cook porkchops in skillet until golden brown on both sides.
3. Add onions and continue cooking for 2-3 minutes or until onions are soft. (you could add minced garlic cloves here too if you like garlic that much)
4. Add soup, pineapple(with juice), honey and soy sauce. Stir and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and let simmer for about 10 minutes.

We honestly would have given this 5 stars if it had been chicken. It was soooo good but we never eat porkchops. I made it with pork because I thought we would need a break from chicken, but to be honest, we ended up just wanting it to be chicken. We did, however, have bush's blackeyed peas and let me just say they were DELICIOUS. Seriously, I don't even like blackeyed pease but those were sooooo good. Anyway, if you like pork, this could be a new favorite in your home. If you are like us, throw a few hearty chicken breasts on the skillet instead.

day three.

2008-10-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

Let me first apologize that this is late. I have been running a fever for a few days and have not been up for blogging.

Today's Menu
Kielbasa and Veggies
* * * * *

Ingredients:
1 pk Kielbasa
1 zuchinni
1 squash
1/2-1 bundle asparagus
minced onion
ground pepper
ground oregano
EVOO

Slice Kielbasa and veggies and mix in shallow baking dish. Drizzle or brush with EVOO and sprinkle with onion, oregano, and black pepper. Back at 400 for 45 minutes or until veggies are brown around the edges.

This is one of our favorites, and super easy to make.

I'm a bad mother

2008-10-09T13:09:00.001-07:00

carbless chapter day 2

2008-10-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone be proud of me for drinking lots of water and giving up my sweet tea. *waits patiently for applause* thank you.

Now that that's out of the way...

Today's Menu

Skewer Chicken Spirals
and Corn on the Cob
* * * * (out of 5)

Ingredients:
Skinless, boneless chicken breast (one per person)
Bacon (we use turkey bacon)
1 small can tomato paste
Basil leaves (I used minced)
Garlic Powder
EVOO for brushing

Lay chicken breasts out on saran wrap and cover. Beat lightly with rolling pin to flatten. (I use wax paper because it's less messy)
Once all chicken is flatten, lay out and form a layer over rough side of chicken with tomato paste. I use a spoon to spread it on like cream cheese. Sprinkle with garlic then lay bacon on top of chicken. I use 1-2 slices per piece of chicken. You want the bacon to totally cover the chicken with no overlapping and no excess, so you may need to cut some.
Sprinkle basil leaves on top of bacon.
<--This is what it should look like right before you start to roll it.

Rolling is not easy. You want it to be firm so you get as much chicken "in" the spiral as possible but the tomato paste doesn't squish out form the sides.

Use a sharp knife (as sharp as you can find) to slice each breast into 4 slices. Again, try not to saw the chicken or the paste will come out of the sides. A sharp knife should cut right into the flesh of the chicken. Don't be afraid to make a mess... you will.

Place each spiral on a kabob skewer, one skewer per breast, so 4 pieces per skewer. Brush with olive oil and place under high heat of a broiler or grill for 5-7 minutes on each side, brushing with olive oil again at each turn.

As a side note, I like mine a little blackened. The picture here (which is not mine) also shows the edges of the bacon burnt which just adds a really good flavor. If you can grill these, that is the best way to do it because the smokey flavor is great. We serve them with corn on the cob because the sweetness of the corn offsets the sour in the tomato paste.

All in all we gave this a 4 out of 5 because it is just delicious but it is a pain in the butt! You make an absolute mess when slicing them. I used a sheet of wax paper for each skewer because the tomato gets everywhere and I didn't want to have to clean it every time.

a carbless chapter in my life

2008-10-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

Dennis has been doing great with his dieting. He's lost 13 pounds in 5 weeks (awesome!) by working out and watching what he eats. For the record, in those same 5 weeks, I've lost 2. So lame. So to kind of kick-start us back into losing weight, we are doing two weeks of no carbs and no sugars. We did this a year ago for 21 days and I lost 8 pounds! Certainly I gained it back because I stopped caring about what I was eating, but the idea this time is to continue to maintain a healthy lifestyle with less carbs but not none at all. Anyway, to prepare for this I made a 2 week menu and my budget was $200. I made the menu including sides and all and I only spent $176 at walmart and that included lunch items for the boys. So, everyday, for the next two weeks, I would like to post what I made, how I made it and how we liked it.

Today's Menu
Healthy Request Chicken Parmesian

"Grilled" veggies
**** (out of 5)

Ingredients:
Boneless, skinless chicken breasts (one per person)
One can of Tomato Soup
Oregano to taste
Garlic Powder to taste
Shredded Mozarella cheese
1 zuchinni
1 squash
minced onion
ground black pepper
EVOO

1. Mix soup, oregano (I used about 3 shakes), garlic powder (maybe 1 T) and spoon over chicken in shallow bakind dish.
2. Bake 20 minutes at 400 degrees.
3. Top with mozzarella cheese

For Veggies:
Slice zuchinni and squash and place in shallow baking dish. Spread pieces evenly and drizzle with EVOO. Sprinkle with minced onion and black pepper. Bake same time as chicken or until veggies are light brown on edges.

Seriously, that's it. It took me about 5 minutes to prepare and about 30 minutes to bake. We gave this 4 out of 5 stars. The chicken was super moist, had plenty of flavor and the veggies were oh so delicious. For extra kick, you can add oregano to the veggies or use asparagus as well. You can also use potatoes, but if you do, they have to be cooked longer.

I'm sure you missed me

2008-10-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have not been up for blogging lately. To be perfectly honest, I find blogging a little difficult but incredibly necessary for my personal sanity. It's difficult because although most of those who read this know I am outgoing, I keep most of my personal feelings and thoughts to myself. I'm one of those people that is hard to break past the shell. So when I've had a week (or two) that have effected me personally, I tend to close myself in and retreat to my own musings. Although I'm not really ready to come out of my current emotional hibernation, I don't want my seven loyal readers to lose interest in my stories, so I will grace you with a few updates from the past two weeks.

potty training - my mom says it's going well and considering her level of experience, I have to take her word for it. But I'm honestly ready to quit. Don't worry, no need to lecture. I will remain steadfast and my efforts will surely prevail but I feel like if I clean pee off the carpet 30 seconds after I took Anakin to go potty one more time, I might surely perish. I will sop the waste from my berber and just cease to exist. Dramatic? Maybe. You come do it for awhile and then we can talk drama.

quilting - My 9 square quilt is almost done. This is good considering I need to deliver it to the recipient in less than two weeks and I haven't even started on the hand stitching yet! Did I mention I have no idea what I am doing?! I did make my way up to the fabric/craft extravaganza that is Hobby Lobby and get myself one of those big hoop thingies (I'm sure they have a real name) for $5 so I can begin the tedious part. I will embroider the 'R' in the middle square tomorrow and then work on the first part of sewing the top to bottom (which I'm doing with a machine stitch first before beginning my hand-work). I will post pictures as soon as Dennis manages to get the battery charger for our camera back from the friend's house where he left it.

"work" - oh the leisurely life of a stay at home mom. I miss it so. I started keeping another little boy this week. It was last minute. Be assured, all my faithful friends, that I have not kept this oh so pertinent information from you. A friend of mine approached me the week before she had to start school full time because the day care on campus had run out of spots for her age group. It's honestly going really well. Dean is 20 months old, so he is honestly pretty far behind Anakin developmentally but he is getting there and he is certainly at an age now where I can at least do lesson plans with them. The hardest part is that he has not been raised as strictly as Anakin, so I am having to establish boundaries all over again. It has nothing to do with his parents not being great at what they do, it's just a different parenting style. Since I have both boys together, I have to be consistent. Since I have to be consistent, I'm obviously going to use the more strict method for both of them. He will learn his boundaries soon. All in all, it's been great to have them together because 90% of the time, they just entertain each other with little need for me. They make a mess of Anakin's room, playing with this foldable basketball hoop my mom got him and a pop-up tent he got for Christmas last year, and when we go downstairs, cars are scattered throughout endless boundaries of the house, but it can all be cleaned up while they are napping and so it's no big deal.

other happenings in my life - I took Anakin to the zoo on Friday with Courtney, my room mate from college. It was nice to see her again. Afterward, we went to this hole in the wall restaurant that served random food, ie tacos, burgers, salads and whatnot and I had a scrumptious veggie burrito with mozerella cheese. It was a little spicy but had super fresh spinach in it and I enjoyed it immensely. My mom also came to see us this weekend. We went to the Kani House for dinner on Friday and then went to the mall and she bought me a few super cute outfits on clearance at Old Navy. On Saturday we went and had our nails done, got massages, and ate at My Friend's Place (thats the name of it, I swear) and then took a fun trip to Sam's Club. Saturday night, we did a Mary Kay party for my friend Crystal and I won a watch and $50 worth of product (rock on!)

So I leave you with the four movies I've seen recently and how I rated them (out of 4 stars).

The Women - * - Starring Meg Ryan (playing Meg Ryan), Annette Benning, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Debra Messing. Also featuring other famous women that are in it only for the sake of saying they were part of something that could have been a lot better than it was. The storyline was interesting enough but the character development was lacking and the direction SUCKED. Honestly, I appreciate that there were no men in the movie, even extras, but given that fact, maybe a 15 second scene of walking down a crowded new york street shouldn't be included. Can you really expect people to believe at any given time there are no men walking on this strip of road? We were hoping for something like First Wives Club--you know something that made you feel good about being a woman and getting revenge on the men that hurt us. But really, it just sucked.
Burn After Reading - *** - Starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich. This movie was HILARIOUS! It only receives 3 stars out of 4 given the fact that the storyline was incredibly unbelievable and the characters were unrealistic--but that was absolutely the point. It was pretty graphic ( I didn't know there was violence in it before hand) but it's not bad. Just be warned, it's rated R for graphic violence and language and it certainly had both. If you are not one for abstract dark comedies, wait for video but it's definitely worth seeing.
Blindness - - Starring Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. I didn't leave the section where I put the stars blank on accident. Seriously. Don't see this. Don't think about seeing this. If friends of yours reccomend this, think about it like that time you were in middle school and a friend offered you drugs or cigaretts for the first time. What would your mother tell you to do? To walk away. That if anyone of your friends offered you drugs, they weren't really your friend in the first place. Yeah. This is just like that. We left and got our money back. It was that bad.
Eagle Eye - *** - Starring Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson. What? Don't recognize any of those names except Shia LaBeouf? Me neither. But this movie was super sweet. The only reason it gets 3 out of 4 stars instead of 4 is because the end-secret plot twist has been done before. Have no fear, the action, character development and overall awesomeness totally made up for the lack of inginuity in story line "twist." Seriously. I loved this. If you just want to see a feel-good shoot em up, this is it. It was a lot of fun and totally worth my $10 and once in a bluemoon child free night.

That's it for now my faithful blog followers! Have a good night! May the morning find you well rested and ready for the exciting experience that is a new day.

this is the stuff embarassing moments are made of

2008-09-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Let me just take a moment here and give a little back story. Anakin is doting the full monty in continued efforts to fully potty train. So we've come accustom at the Estanislao house to naked baby butts and conducting every day life in this attire. He's naked, who cares? Dinner attire: nude. Playtime: Nude. Outside play: okay that gets some clothing but you get my point. So rockband was in the nude and absolutely had to be captured!

fall days in good ol Gwinnett

2008-09-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

went to the park with Rebecca and Jessica today and got a couple of super cute shots. I will post more later.

Oh fall, how I have missed you so.

2008-09-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is because I honestly look a lot better in sweaters, or maybe because I enjoy cuddling up in a hoodie and jeans, but my how I have longed for cooler days. All my windows are open and I am wearing jeans and I am loving it! I do have to say that I have fall allergies so I am also sneezing like crazy but it is so worth it!

SUCCESS!!!!

2008-09-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

anakin went to the potty twice today! Count it! TWICE! I changed my tact a little by letting him go the full monty and relocating the potty chair to the living room but it worked! He went potty twice without being prompted. we made great progress today and I am so excited!

potty pictures

2008-09-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

I just had to take a second and post these... too cute!

And so it begins...

2008-09-22T06:33:00.001-07:00

I started potty training today. It has been a very wet morning. :) Anakin sat on the potty at 8:30 after we had a long discussion about him being a big boy and not wearing diapers anymore. My mom has told me to take him potty every half hour so at 9:01 as I was walking into the kitchen to get him to go, he peed on my kitchen floor. No big deal, I told him he was good for trying to tell me (he did make an honest effort of yelling "mommy, I poopie!" about 3 seconds after he peed all over himself) and I cleaned up and changed him. At 9:26, he went in the office. This of course was much messier as there is carpet in the office, but no big deal. I cleaned him up and we discussed that when he feels like he needs to go, he needs to tell me. Both times of course, I also made him sit on the potty to associate everything.

It is a little trying but I will not be swayed oh evil potty training spirits that work to test my patience! I will be triumphant! My toddler will go pee-pee on the potty and you will be vanquished!!

When you are a stay at home mom, it's the little things...

A few things to talk about a few days later...

2008-09-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

There was pretty weather today. It only got up to about 65. I opened all the windows and sported a long sleeve tee with shorts and flip-flops (my year round attire of choice). Anakin and I played at his friend, Dean's house and when we got home, he went right up for a nap with no fuss.

This morning while I was folding clothes, Anakin kept messing with the covers. I told him "No, Mommy already made the bed, please don't mess it up" but he continued. So I decided to teach him how to make his bed and maybe this would help his perspective. We went into his room and straightened up the covers and I said good job and that was the end of it. Well when I went to get him "up" for his nap (I have no idea when he wakes up because he stays in there until I come release him) he said "mommy look at my bed!" Sure enough, he had "made" his bed. It was pretty messy but I could tell he tried and it was certainly an impressive quality considering it was done by a 2 year old! Awesome! I was so proud! I gave him lots of praise.

To update you on the job, they did call and they did offer it to me, but I turned them down. They only offered me the 10am-7pm shift and after talking about it, Dennis and I agreed that it just wouldn't be the best fit for our family. So, no big deal. That was the sign from God that we wanted and I'm glad it was abundantly clear.

I leave you with a final piece. I made a coffee cake today. And it is awesome. I am also working on a quilt for a friend of mine who just had a baby. I have no idea how to make a quilt but I decided I could figure it out. So in the course of a month I have baked cookies from scratch, made three purses, made a coffee cake, run a 5k and begun a quilt. I'm just a little soccer mom in the making!

Run Rachael Run (part 2)

2008-09-13T08:26:00.001-07:00

So I ran! Yay for me! And my goal was 30 minutes and I ran 29:30 and I was in the back. I'm sure if I had been in the front I would have done better. Anyway, pictures below.

This is right before the race, I just did my check in and got my number. Number 72 Woot!

Me and Kerry, my race buddy. On a side note, that girl on the left in the green tank is who i ended up running the whole race with but I beat her. Because I rock.

Here's me at the end, notice green-tank-top girl in the back. I ran a 29.30

I think this was me telling Dennis that I beat 30 minutes! Woot!

Kerry takin it in for the home stretch!

Mmmmm. water = good.

My mother would be proud!

2008-09-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

I made sugar cookies--from scratch. Granted, making sugar cookies from scratch is not very hard but I didn't burn them and that's a feat all in itself! So be proud mom, you raised me well!

Interview Update

2008-09-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

Just to let everyone know: I feel like the interview went well. But I was very candid with them so I didn't walk away feeling like "Yeah I nailed that" and to be honest, that's not the feeling I wanted anyway. I want to feel like, if this door opens, it's what God wants and there is no doubt that it is His will for me. At the end of the interview, because they had used a script, they asked me some more personal questions. They asked "Why should we choose you over other applicants we have?" I said, after a long pause, "You know, I was thinking about how to answer that question and the 'where do you want to be in 5 years?' question on my way over here and I have to be honest, I'm in a very different position then most of your other applicants. Most people will come in here and they need this job and fortunately, for me, I'm just not in that position. I want to go back to work again and I want to be in a place that is the right fit for me, but more than anything, I just want to like what I do. We've all had those jobs where we wake up in the morning and think 'man what excuse can i use to call in today?' and I just never want to be in that position again. I want to want to come to work. And I want to make a difference in the people lives around me. I feel like you can do that by working your hardest and giving your all and your very best whether you are a doctor saving lives, or a customer service rep making people happy. So why should you choose me? I guess because you're not going to find another person with more customer service experience than me. It's what I do. It's what I've always done and it's what I'm passionate about. And also, because you are not going to find anyone that works harder than me. I believe the quality of a persons character can be measured by the quality of their work so I do my best, no matter what I'm doing."

They seemed receptive. They laughed when I joked and they nodded when they agreed. So we'll see where it goes. I liked the supervisor a lot. He seemed really cool. They said they would call everyone by Friday. So I guess I'll let all 6 (my dad started reading now too) of you know by tomorrow.

yearbookyourself.com

2008-09-10T17:22:00.001-07:00

All in all this is a really stupid website where you could absolutely lose several hours with nothing to show for it... But this was still pretty funny! :)

I have an interview tomorrow...

2008-09-09T17:00:00.001-07:00

Okay so about three weeks ago I went on good 'ol careerbuilder.com and posted my resume/application for a few jobs. I'm vague here because this is a usual routine for me. I take time about once a week or so to peruse the job postings and reply to what may fit what I'm "looking" for. I'm also using that word loosly because I'm not in any rush to get a job. Dennis could not be more supportive of me staying home and God has been so miraculous in opening doors for us to just plain work it out. I have been constantly reminded that he supplies. Anyway, so I didn't think anything about any of it, because if any of you have been job searching via the internet, you understand it is a very slow and often non-responsive process. So I got a call about two weeks ago from a company called United Stationers. They received my application... 'you did? okay, great. um who is this again?' She asked if I had time to talk, and I did. We did a quick phone interview where I answered the questions with the answers they want to hear but was careful not to be deceiving. And they wanted me to come in to take a customer service aptitude test that should take no longer than an hour. So I went in, wearing the only suit I own and a cute pink sweater vest under it. And I took the aptitude test that, for the record, took about 70 minutes, and thats it. There was no interview. No one really talked to me other than going over the weather and giving me a brief tour of the facilities (which were HUGE!) They seemed very impressed by my resume and assured they would call me back by Wednesday (which would have been two days after Labor day.) Well Wednesday passed while I was in Kentucky and Thursday and Friday followed shortly after. I talked to Dennis about it and we both agreed that the bottom line is, we just have to rely on God and whatever He has planned for us will prosper. Period. And so, with that, I didn't even do the usual follow up "hey I haven't heard from you but I'm still interested" call. And then yesterday... they called. Greg. He didn't give me a last name or even his title (thats weird...) but he asked if I was still interested. Yes. Can I come in Wednesday? Of course. Does 1:30 work for me? Perfect.

So, I am going to an interview tomorrow. Am I nervous? Not really. I'm pretty set that what happens will happen and I don't have a whole lot of control over it anyway. It's a kind of freeing helplessness that often reminds me how big God is and how big this world is and how very very small I am. I worked my butt off at my last job and for what? For a miserable 16 months that amounted to basically nothing. I'm not doing that again. I'm not living that life--I'm not going to be that person ever again. That person that wakes up in the morning and thinks of reasons to call in. I just want to go to work and do my job and cash my paycheck. I don't want a career, I don't want to be a manager, I just want to like what I'm doing. I'm so tired of looking over my back to watch who's stabbing. I'm so tired of corporate BS and the fake mask I have to wear. I am not that person. I can't be that person.

But...

I do need some money! So, even if just for a little while, if God opens the door for me to work, I will work. But our big goal right now is for me to go back to school. And if we are going to afford that, we have got to get out of debt. So... we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll let all five of you know. :)

2 things to blog about today...

2008-09-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

First, Anakin slept in a big boy bed all by himself for the first time. Considering how horrifically this could have gone, it went really well. Upon installation of the bed, Anakin was a little concerned. A few "I no want that bed"s were thrown my way but once everything was said and done, he was fine. The crib disassembled fit much better into the closet than the twin bed (you have wide eyes right now but I'm serious) and the twin bed surprisingly, offers much more room in his nursery... which I guess we can't call a nursery anymore. He did concecrate the new change in his life with a fresh pee on the bed so I am off to target shortly to buy a protective sheet for it

The other thing we got is a new fridge. Home Depot called on Thursday afternoon to let us know they would be there betwenn 12:15 and 5:15 which made me feel like replying "Great! I'll pay you for it some time between tomorrow and Christmas!" They showed up around 7:30, but had called at 5:30 to let us know they would be 30 minutes late. I'd like you to take a moment and reread that last sentence and recognize that it didn't make sense.... Anyway, they were very apologetic and nice and did a great job with the installation. We threw out the first tray of ice as instructed and ran 4 gallons of water before consuming any (that's a lot of water in the middle of a drought!) and then we went to the grocery store this morning and replaced the $100 worth of groceries we lost. WHEW! I feel better now! It makes the whole ordeal much more bearable since I have something to show for it!

Coming soon on a journey somewhat familiar... Mr. Turtle.

Ruuuuun, Rachael, Runnnn!!!

2008-09-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well I was recently encouraged by my friend, Karen to get off my lazy bum and start running again--for real. I was so jealous that she had finished a half marathon (not that I have any intention of doing that whatsoever) that I have signed up for a 5k. I know you are all impressed. This is a big deal. I could not be more excited. At this point there are only two things I am really worried about. 1: My good friend Desi will have her baby the day before and I will have to skip the race to be the much needed friend-who-is-already-a-mommy and 2: Perchance #1 does not happen, what am I going to wear? Right now I always run in running shorts and this old beat up tank top from my junior year of high-school that I just love. I was thinking about maybe making a tank top to wear. Like buying one and decorating it with fabric paint. Would that be so cheesey? Maybe. But does that matter to me? Probably not. Then I was thinking about maybe wearing my uniform from high school just to be funny. ha! Not really. I doubt I even fit in it but I do still have it.

By the way, just for kicks I googled my maiden name to see if I could find any old XC history but alas there was none!

Maybe blogging isn't for me

2008-09-03T19:53:00.001-07:00

But it probably should be.

A few posts down, you have a lovely description of the enormous mess the recent hail storms have made out of our roof which I now have to get replaced and have yet to do. Well we came home from vacation on Monday and our fridge was broken. And now I feel broken. Under normal circumstances, a fridge is no big deal. A quick trip to Best Buy, Home Depot, Sears whatever and a quick financing option and 2 hours later, your problem is fixed. Except that's not really how our story went. The good news is, the money was there. Dennis has been working his little butt off and had the money coming in that was coincidentally almost the exact amount we needed for the fridge. From one angle, you may say "God is so good! He provided when we needed!" But unfortunately that is an angle I am not in view of at the moment. That money was very very very specifically designated for debt and I could not be more upset. I know in my heart that we are so much better off than most people our age--most people in general. But that is not the conviction God has laid on our hearts--that is not his will. (Rom 13:8) And every time we take a step toward what we feel is the right, I feel stripped away from it. I feel like I am being pulled away and my little nails are digging rifts in the foundation to our dreams, desperately trying to pull closer to what we think is the right way to go. I have no doubt in my mind that God has paved the road we are walking... I guess I just sometimes wish he had used stronger asphalt because this road I am walking on often feels like it is shifting beneath my already waivering step. I want to cry out to the heavens "God what is going on?" and I am reminded that he owes me nothing. Not even an explanation. It is I who am in debt. It is my worldly flesh that will continue to work for selfish gain time and time again. It is my sin that he bears over and over each day. And it is for the salvation of my soul that despite my wandering step that he continues to call me and seek me with each breath.

Anyway, all that to say, we got up very early Tuesday morning and bought a fridge before I had to go to KY to get Anakin. Then we bought him a little turtle (I will post pictures on my next post--Mr. Turtle is a post all for himself) that apparently carries salmonella and so now I can't even let Anakin touch him! I'm a good mother! HA!

So I am in KY right now, spending the time with the family and being reminded each day why I moved 400 miles away. I will try to be a better blogger for my all of 4 readers but I can't make any promises.

I'm broke

2008-08-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

We hit that wall again. That wall where we can't possibly make ends meet. That wall where we look at the credit card and try to decide if we should use the credit card or just not eat. Thank goodness that we sometimes choose to just not eat. Thank goodness that we just decide to do without. Those choices are not fun to make, but have to be made. Sometimes they have to be made. I'm proud of us that we choose to live differently, rather than just try to live the same with a different income.

I was offered a job at Anakin's school. Can I deal with three-year-olds (or whatever age they give me) for 6 hours a day? I don't know. But it can't possible be any worse than dealing with the idiots I dealt with on a daily basis when I had an office job. I mean seriously--at least the 4 year olds don't stab you in the back? Well at least not figuratively. Maybe literally. Anyway, all that to say, I told them I would take it. I told them I would be honored to take it. I want desperately for Anakin to be back in daycare and this will give us a little bit of extra money. Also, its 1.4 miles from the house, so I can walk, or ride a bike. I would only have to take the car when it rains or its too cold. So that will cut back on our costs tremendously.

So, anybody want to give me a bike?

TGIF!

2008-08-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

Just a few updates. The claims adjuster and Ralph with Ark Enterprises came by on Wednesday and we are going to have to replace the entire roof. Luckily, they are going to cover everything except $500. In addition to the roof, they are replacing one piece of siding, a gutter and a section of sheet rock. Because a single piece of sheet rock is being replaced, they are going to paint the entire garage. Which is pretty awesome. While Ralph is here, he's going to fix a few other things for me as well. Unfortunately they can't fix anything until the roof is done and that won't even start for 3 weeks due to shingles being backordered because of all the stuff going on in the midwest.

The other thing to update you on is the baby-sitting gig. Christina decided to keep her son at daycare, which is fine. My house just wasn't convenient for her. Now, however, I have gotten an offer from the daycare Anakin used to stay with. They called me yesterday and have a teaching position open. I told them I would take it. While I don't especially want to go back to work right now, we have got to get out of debt. We can make ends meet with just Dennis' paycheck, but if I can work for 6-12 months, we could be out of debt and even without me working, we would still have the same amount of extra money. Basically, without car payments, we'd have an extra paycheck. We've been smart not to increase our standard of living even when we get increases in pay and I think that's really helped. Dennis has made incredibly smart decisions so that we can get what we want and what we need. I believe me losing my job was God kicking us into gear about our debt and I don't take it lightly. We are going to continue to live as if I do not have a pay check and we will get that debt gone in no time.

rain, roofs, and insurance adjusters

2008-07-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

Ok so it all began a few days ago, when a rain storm came so strong I thought truly we were in that scene from Forrest Gump when he talks about the rain going siiidewaays, and forwaaard and sometimes even from underneath. (please insert southern accent here) The rain and wind was so incredibly intense that I literally stood at the back door, watching the pines sway just praying that Lord if they fall, let them fall the other way.

The next morning I went to get in my car to go running (I know you're impressed that I run. I mean, I'm impressed.) and I saw that there was spackle (is that what I szhould call it) on the floor. I looked up, and saw this:

I instantly called Ralph Jester over at Ark Enterprises, and if you live in the Southeast (they go as north as Charlotte and as South as Orlando) then I highly recommend this company. I had a working relationship with them anyway, and that's why I knew they were trustworthy, but they have by far exceeded my expectations. They showed up within 4 hours, have worked out the whole claim with the insurance company, and have been friendly and knowledgeable. Ralph also offered to go ahead and pressure wash for me when he does the work. He even met the insurance adjuster here so that he could see what she sees. He had made every effort to earn my trust and I couldn't be more impressed.

All that to say, they are coming back later today to do the final measurements on the highest part of our roof because they had to go get a bigger ladder. But I have every confidence that Ralph will take care of me and do a great job. What I really hope is that we don't need a whole new roof and that he is able to fix it with patches. I also hope he is able to do all the work for whatever the insurance is willing to pay so I don't have to do anything out of pocket. **fingers crossed!!

I'm a blogger?

2008-07-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

This has been a funny little journey lately for me. I think sometimes I just want to look up into the sky and give God that "rachael" look and say "God... you're a thumbs up guy!" with my oh so inconspicuous hint of sarcasm. I don't have to understand His will to walk in it, but sometimes it would be nice.

On June 11th, I started my new career as a stay-at-home mom. "Congratulations on taking such a bold step!" you may say. And I will quietly reply "it was not by choice" and then quickly change the subject. In this new career, however, I have found this secret sub-culture of stay-at-home moms (SAHM they refer to themselves as) and I am awed by them. I feel like a tourist thrown into an unfamiliar culture--only its a culture I thought I understood. It's like going to Guatemala after two years of Spanish, thinking you can handle it when all you really know how to say is "Donde estas el bano?" My two greatest fears among these women are failure, and offense. On one hand, I feel like I can't measure up and that in time, I will go back to work not because we need the money, but because I can't possible stay at home all day and maintain normal life. The other is that I will think I am better than them or something and end up offending them beyond repair. Both of these fears are, of course, built on a foundation of paranoia and have no grounds, but if you are reading this, you know me and know that paranoia is an every day thing for me and the fact that I recognize it is there means all of nothing. I have grown to understand that we all choose to parent our children differently and in the end, they all turn out ok.

Just today I was at the mall with Anakin where we had met some other mommies to see a free movie the theatre offers for children during the summer. After the movie, I took Anakin down stairs to go play in the fountains outside but he threw a fit on the way because we couldn't ride the carousel. He decided to throw a tantrum so I left him there, in the corner he was crying in and walked about 20 feet away so he had some time to calm down (and so I had some time to cool off myself) I was far enough away that he knew he was in trouble, but close enough that he was safe. While I waited in viewing distance for his tantrum to run its course, a Mom and her daughter walked by, saw Anakin, whispered to each other and then turned and gave me an ugly look like I was the worst mother in the mall. All I thought in my head was, "Keep on walking lady--your kid is 16, you obviously don't remember what terrible 2s was like." I keep in mind that these bad days are better than most kids best days and I can get through it.

I also remember that he is 2. And 2 is 2. That's all there is to it. What I wish I knew is that as a parent, you often stop getting the things you want--you often don't get to do what you want to do because your life revolves around making sure this baby who can manage to make his voice the volume of a loudspeaker is appeased so you are not embarrassed. I wasn't bothered at all that the mom in the mall looked at me the way she did. I have to do what is best for me and my child. Not what is best for him. Not what is best for me. But what is best for both of us. Sometimes that means walking away so I don't lose my cool.

An opportunity has come up recently for me to keep another child just a few months younger than Anakin. A huge part of me hopes it works out because Anakin does so much better with other kids around. We'll see. Then I'll be a double stay-at-home mommy. DSAHM?